“Growing up in a traditional Chinese family, I was told I could do better than a 99%, while I should be humble about a 100%. As a result, I always felt that there was no safe ground for me to stand on. I was either not good enough, or I had to hide whatever good that I thought I had achieved. I didn’t really like myself, or love myself, as God would have wanted me to. This feeling was manifested in many aspects, even in the silliest and tiniest areas….”
That was the introduction to the post I had originally written for AAWOL. I then wrote about struggling to accept myself. I wrote about how to embrace the me that God created, and the me that my upbringing had produced, both of which God ordained. I wrote that as I come to embrace all of me, the one and only me, I can then stand on solid ground.
As it turned out, right after I finished writing that post, several incidents happened, making me realize that the ground I was standing on was not as solid as I had thought. I was once again trying to maneuver between not being good enough and not being humble enough. As soon as I found a right footing, I got tossed right back into the struggle.
So, is there a safe place for me – say a 99.5%? Will I ever feel confident and at home being me? When will I stop beating myself up for not being the me that I think I should be? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but one thing I know – at times when I feel I am on shaky ground, that’s when I hold onto God the most, and feel closest to Him. And when I hold onto Him with all my heart and all my strength, the focus is no longer me, but Him. The key is to find out where God stands, and to put myself right there with Him. When I learn to embrace God, I realize He too is embracing me. I may not be on solid ground, but He is helping me to keep my balance, and when (not if) I fall, He is there to pick me up again.
Wendy Choy-Chan came to North America from Hong Kong when she was 15. She is now a full-time mom and part-time student at Fuller Northwest studying for her MA in Theology. She lives with her husband and two daughters in Seattle, WA.