What’s interesting to me is that you were able to “be ugly” in filing that grievance, partly because you saw the justice in it — that you were not only doing it for yourself, but you were doing it for others. It reminds me of Chloe’s chapter in Mirrored Reflections about Bathsheba who goes from silence to voice when it comes to speaking up on behalf of her son. Perhaps ultimately our courage to “be ugly” will come when we see it as necessary on behalf of others — in essence, using our selflessness to our advantage (or as the Strengths Finder would say it, “Using our strengths to overwhelm our weaknesses.”).

Your reflections also make me wonder whether it’s easier to consider the right to be ugly when we’re in a context where we’re more similar (in appearance) than different from most of the people in that context….just some thoughts. Thank you for this great reflection!

I definitely feel like our ability to conform can be an asset, as it has worked for me for most of my life. However, as you intimated, if our only option is to conform and we don’t know any other option, then it can work against us (as it has for me on certain occasions as well) — mostly when my actions and words don’t reflect — in any way, shape, or form — what’s really going on inside me, in terms of feelings, thoughts, or convictions. That incongruence between inside and outside usually causes inner turmoil for me.

I really like your suggestion of “tactfully ruffling feathers.” I’m beginning to wonder if that can be done just by speaking up regularly — not with vehemence or anger, but simply to have our voice heard and to offer a differing opinion/perspective in a tone that reflects respect for others, benefit of the doubt in their intentions, and a graciousness that reveals humility and patience.

Also, the sentence: “Furthermore, I’ve often heard it said that Asian American women naturally develop the skill of being able to walk into a room and to immediately know and conform to exactly what is expected of them based on who is in the room” –this is so true of me!

I agree with the importance of owning “our right to be ugly” to change things up — after all, if we know our roles to conform, then we probably have an idea of what it looks like to do the opposite to shake things up a bit. Even so, I think this ability to conform is a unique skill that can be used for us to tactfully ruffle feathers… I wonder if it is possible/what it looks like for us to use this skill to promote harmonious change in contexts of inequality.

- Liz Chang

Your post is giving me reason to pause. What a concept! Bringing the friendship relationship INTO the other four in order to reframe those relationships and, in some cases, bring healing. Of course, a more egalitarian way of being goes against the core of Confucian assumptions (according to my limited but growing understanding of Confucian belief), but I’m now at least open to considering a neo-neo Confucian system??! Your examples are compelling. They describe a context that is more “3rd space” or “liminal,” I think. Both/and. Hard to do, but worth exploring.

Thanks for your thoughts!