Photo by Thomas Maluck

By Margaret Yu (originally written for International Womens’ Day, March 2014)

I don’t have many solid memories of myself as a child.  However, the ones I do have are well-planted in my mind.

One memory I have is that of standing before my mirror.  I was 7 years old and was preparing my look and outfit for a family photo. It is as vivid as today that even at such a young age, I was primping in front of that mirror. I was a bit nervous and yet proud of myself as I felt very good about my outfit. I had a matching blue bonnet and purse, a nice yellow soft cardigan-sweater and a pair of polka-dot pants. And even though I no longer have photos of myself as a little girl, that outfit and picture is etched into the recesses of my heart.  If memories had a smell, I can still smell that outfit.

But perhaps it is the emotions that are most haunting for me.  I remember being a bit apprehensive because I had to ensure that I would have the perfect outfit for the posing of our family photo that we would send to my Father who lived in America. My dad prepared for us to immigrate to America by going there alone ahead of us for 5 years. This absence turned some of my yearnings from missing my dad into the workings of a people-pleaser in practice.

I looked and remember that moment with chagrin because it would not be the last time where I allow mirrors to shape my identity or tell me of my worth. It would also not be the only time in my life where my well- intentioned desires for relationships turned into people pleasing or performing for others, leaving me afraid to share my honest self with others.

As I grew into adulthood as a follower of God, it has been a journey for me to have confidence in truly being me and not someone else. As an Asian American working in a predominantly white organization, I at times have wished that I was a male or White leader.  I have had to learn to dissent as a minority without much power or voice. With God, I have had to learn to take risks again in offering my true self to others even if they won´t receive me well.  I have had to learn how to disagree with people in spite of my tendency to still be a people pleaser.  I still tend to want to fit in even by minimizing a bit of myself.

Recently, as I recalled the little girl I once was…I had a different encounter.  Instead of feeling sadness about the little girl in front of that mirror seeking Dad’s approval, I became interested more as to what I was really like before that moment.  Somehow by God’s grace, he reminded me of the little girl I once was — a confident little girl who had style and a sense of self before she turned to others for that. I did not care so much about how others were; I liked my own flair. This image of myself prior to wanting approval from Dad or others has given me encouragement.

I am so grateful for this ‘photo’ of that little girl that God gave me before I became a people-pleaser or performer. She is the picture that I now hold on to for inspiration and for comfort when I am tempted to let others tell me who I should be. I am so grateful for the girl I once was. I need to continue to listen to her and to be reminded of what God says about her. She gives me hope that I can truly live and lead out of who I am.