By Eunhyey Lok

When I think of flexibility, I get annoyed. We are so often told, especially during Covid, that we have to pivot or get left behind, mired in our old expectations of the way life is supposed to work. It is almost NEVER comfortable to be flexible enough to make way for something you did not expect. Most of my life, “flexibility” has felt more like not having an option than being allowed to grow into some mature, zen version of being able to roll with the punches. 

The whole expectation for flexibility to accompany us as we mature is not necessarily a myth, or even an unreasonable hope. Adapt or Die, right? Its opposite, rigidity, in psychological terms can be a symptom of something disordered in our mind and heart. Rigidity is, by definition, lacking in flexibility. When I see it in others, I often long to be able to help them see other options, other ways of thinking and seeing, in order that they no longer have to feel trapped.

Yet, to jump into contradicting their way of thinking too soon misses something critical. Rigidity is often the result of deep injury, or exposure to countless smaller hits that have created painfully sensitive wounds. For the person to risk bringing this wound into the open would require a tremendous amount of courage and risk. It requires an environment provided by patience and an assurance of love and acceptance. 

Recently, while wrestling with God about certain changes I was experiencing, I climbed up a hill. The words of that morning’s meditation, “Expand what counts as God’s love,” cut through the noise of my fatigue and confusion. I was able to consider the evidence of God’s care for me throughout the past few months, the duration of my most recent wrestling: Once, God spoke to me — softly but distinctly — as I traversed a nearby labyrinth, assuring me that God would deliver me from my difficulty. Another time, God comforted me from certain scriptures, by highlighting something I had never considered before. My journal entries from this period revealed that not a week had gone by that God had not given me something to see that God was actively caring for me. So, on the side of that hill, I burst out into a sob. And it was at this moment, flooded by the realization of God’s love and care for me, that God was also able to show me how I was hurting. God’s kindness helped me begin to accept how much pain I was in. 

I am still in the midst of understanding what I am going through. But that moment, and God’s continued care since then, has created a softness within. This in turn has helped me be able to accept and hold my present and future with much less anxiety. I can approach my challenges with more openness, more flexibility. I feel safe enough to flex with the unexpected because I have been reminded God’s got me. 

Eunhyey Lok (eunhyeylok.com) is a spiritual director, licensed marriage and family therapist and ordained pastor who specializes in working with Asian Americans, as well as leaders of ministries and international NGOs. Eunhyey is based in Los Angeles with her husband and son, but keeps her Minnesota roots alive through frequent visits to her hometown.