By Angela Ryo
Among all of Jesus’ teachings, probably one of the most challenging sayings to follow is “love your enemies.” Recently, the term, “non-complementary behavior” helped me to understand what it might mean to love my enemies. The term was first coined by a psychologist from Eastern Michigan University, Christopher Hopwood. Our behaviors are usually complementary: when someone approaches us with a broad smile and kind words, we tend to do the same toward that person. On the other hand, if someone is hostile toward us, we instinctively react likewise. But it’s when we act in a non-complementary way, an unexpected way, it completely shakes up the other person and produces a different outcome.
It’s like this — if an animal is biting you, what should you do? Your instinct is to pull away. But if you do pull away, you’ll be really hurt. The way to get out of a bite is to FEED the bite— this means act counterintuitively and push into the bite. When you do so, you loosen the jaw and then you’ll be able to pull away without further harm. (I just hope that the animal is a squirrel or a chipmunk and not a lion or a tiger…)
I think this is close to what Jesus was talking about. We are being challenged to act in a non-complementary way. In other words, the narrative of our lives and the script we follow needs to be “flipped” in order for us to become the people God has called us to be. But still — how do we love those who have hurt us or betrayed us or wished us ill?
I am inspired by the story of Jeanne Bishop, a former public defender in Chicago and the author of Change of Heart. She is a powerful advocate of restorative justice, a form of non-complementary action. She writes about her long journey of how she came to “love her enemy” — a teenage boy who murdered her beloved sister’s family including her husband and her unborn baby. She writes of her agonizing struggle in overcoming her grief at her sister’s brutal death. After many years of hating and resenting the killer of her sister’s family, Jeanne is able to reach out to the killer when she comes to understand that she cannot define her enemy by the worst thing that he has done in his life.
I am quick to judge and label people for the worst thing they’ve done in their lives — especially if I feel like that was done unto me. But if we are ALL in the process of becoming who God has created us to be, I need to trust that my enemies are also in that process. In God’s eyes, I am WAY more than the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. And so are my enemies.
Thomas Currie, a theology professor at Union Theological Seminary, writes, “the real threat that our enemies represent to us today is that our hatred of them will define who we are and thus give them power to define the meaning of our lives. That is something the gospel is unwilling to let happen.” What defines my life? Do I live in the shadow of what others have done to me or is my life defined by God’s overwhelming love and grace? Who are the “enemies” in my life that God is calling me to love today? And here’s the hardest question of all: could it be that my worst enemy might even be myself?
Angela Ryo currently serves as Pastor at Westminster Presbyterian Church in Munster, IN. She enjoys taking long walks, reading, listening to NPR, and drinking good coffee with friends and strangers alike.