By Eunhyey Lok

When I consider the possible nuances of the word tolerance, or its verb form — to tolerate — they are almost entirely negative. Tolerance indicates putting up with, or enduring something unpleasant, undesirable, or unacceptable. It indicates unwillingness and reluctance toward the thing (or person) being tolerated. 

Webster’s first definition of tolerance is the “capacity to endure pain or hardship”. There is something hopeful and resilient about this definition, that goes beyond the associations I have with the word. My body is intolerant of milk, but I tolerate its effects because of the delight I take in its flavor. My son may be growing intolerant of his mother as he careens toward adolescence, but he still tolerates me because he knows I cherish and love him. 

Despite this positive association, tolerance is not really a forever sort of place to live. It is a temporary state of being, precisely because of the friction inherent in parts of its definition. One tolerates something one would rather not have in their life. But because of its temporary nature, perhaps it is a necessary stage. Perhaps, someday, tolerating something could lead to clarity because of the state of tension it puts you in. Tolerance is at best that place in the middle — where the riders are balanced on a seesaw. But most situations don’t allow for such balance — rather we end up swinging one way or the next — rejecting it, or perhaps wholly embracing it. We cannot tolerate uncomfortable things for very long. 

But being able to do so at all is a tribute to our capacity to discover what it means to endure. Tolerance is like the oft quoted transformation of a grain of sand that an oyster turns into a pearl. Rather than rejecting the irritation, the oyster holds on to it, adds to it and while making it bearable for itself, changes the nature of the irritation into a coveted work of art. 

What is the hardship, pain or irritant that I endure? Perhaps for now, all that is needed is that I show tolerance to that part of my life. Like the oyster, rather than ejecting it, perhaps I can either transform it, or let it transform me. Or perhaps, I can acknowledge that simply enduring is hard work, and I can rest in the fact that I am doing more than enough. I still want the “grow and thrive” part of the definition, but I can trust that tolerance is a temporary state, and trust that eventually the balance will swing beyond endurance into thriving. 

Eunhyey Lok (eunhyeylok.com) is a spiritual director, licensed marriage and family therapist and ordained pastor who specializes in working with Asian Americans, as well as leaders of ministries and international NGOs. Eunhyey is based in Los Angeles with her husband and son, but keeps her Minnesota roots alive through frequent visits to her hometown.