By Tina Teng-Henson

“God of Justice, Savior to all…”
This spring your justice took too long to come,
And in my despair, I questioned everything.  
Gone was my eirene peace–
My brain warred with my heart
Returning over and over to what happened
What was I guilty of? 
Could there be any sin I could confess? 
Who fires a pastor during Holy Week
Then tells everyone I resigned?!
Why would you ask for help 
Only to set me up to fail? 
Why does this system not function? 
I jumped thru hoops just to reserve a room

Old wounds that had taken 7 years to heal
Were reopened. 
This actually made THAT traumatic situation look good!
I hurt, I cried, I slept.  

7 weeks later, news came from several 
Did you hear?
He’s been suspended.  
They’re going to investigate him
He’ll be under denominational care
For a year
There was an indiscretion
Involving another
I honestly would rather not know
They started paying attention
Because of what he did to you

…

You came thru, Lord.
I would never want to be punitive
It’s not in my nature to press charges
I just told them to pay attention
And ask questions

This means a lot
Because I feel I can trust you again
You are paying attention
You establish some
To adjudicate, investigate, deliberate

In the meantime, 
I’ve let go
I’m not pursuing ordination
I’m going to find other contexts in which to
Be
Serve
Rest

After many years
It’s been about 2 cycles 
7 churches in 13 years
Time for a change

I don’t believe in triangles where
Pointy individuals sit atop
A Darwinian food chain

I believe in Trinitarian
Bear Hugs of
Love

You’re cherished
Beyond belief
Says Gregory Boyle, SJ
Of Homeboy fame

We’re unshakably good
Says my husband, 
Quoting him
After the retreat

Somehow amidst the deconstruction
You’ve been rebuilding 
Our house

A chimney got removed
And an open space created
A master bedroom was built
Where there was nothing
A new bathroom
With 2 sinks!
A foyer
An entryway
With tall ceilings
Better lighting

In the same two months
Wherein part of my world
Fell apart
That corner of my heart
That monopolized
My thought life
And hijacked 
My devotion

A bigger part of my world
The more important space
For the five of us
Expanded

By 2 young Israelis who were engaged
And 2 Latino crews
Who did beautiful work
In record time

I tell the story
With lilting eyes
Now

I saw lightning fall from the sky
Streaking through clouds
While we flew above
En route to Kentucky

I held my breath
You are Creator
Who enlightens our darkness
Who knows us
Who metes out
Justice for the oppressed
Justice to the oppressor
You make your sun to shine
Upon the righteous
And the unrighteous
Which is all of us
At some point
We’re all both
There is no one righteous
No
Not one

On the way home
My children slept
In my arms

The middle one
Who I still don’t understand
Laid his head in my lap
The older one
Nestled her head
In the curve of his side
We fit perfectly
Across 3 seats
In 1 row

People keep telling me
You’d show up
In my distress 
I doubted
But I tried to believe
Listening care
Came from 
Unexpected conversation partners
Mission friends
From long ago
Love we had shown
Support and care we’d extended
Returned to us
A thousandfold
In all the needful ways
My soul needed
I was a wounded solider
On the battlefield
And I had
Given out
Given up
Given in
I would fall asleep too easily
Because life had one again
Become too pain-full
I needed to rest
I couldn’t fight anymore
Bone tired 

Thank you, God, for
Jane’s tears 
Tyler’s questions
Leanne’s continuation
Wendy’s honesty
Beth’s confidence
Kaloma’s messages
Brad’s shelter
Tilden’s wisdom
Steve’s convening 
Hans-Erik’s care

Thank you, God, for
Jeremiah and
Charitha and
Ginny and
The Kurumas
The Mallisons
Dage
Pam
Stephanie
Yaa
Geronimo
Joey

Thank you, God, for
Swimming pools and
Walks in the neighborhood
Others who showed
Grit and
Courage and
Empathy and
Steadiness
Who believed me
Who came over to tell me

You matter to me
You’re not alone
That was wrong
We know
We’ll speak up
Because we met your family
We heard you speak
We trust your life
Do not worry
God will come thru

Two months later
I can testify
You came thru
And
I don’t have to go back again
I don’t have to do this again
I don’t have to take responsibility
For an impossible situation

It’s yours
It’s yours
It’s yours

They’re yours
They’re yours
They’re yours. 

Tina Teng-Henson is a wife and involved mother of three elementary-aged children, now focusing on the ministry of spiritual direction, writing, and serving the broader community as a chaplain.