By Julia Qiuye Zhao

I learned years ago about the Marshmallow experiment. This is the experiment where researchers gave young children one marshmallow each, telling them that they can eat it right away, or if they were willing to wait, they would receive two marshmallows later. These children were tracked into adulthood and it was claimed that those willing to wait generally did better in all measurable scales of success. The idea was that impulse control, or the ability to wait, or patience, was essential to success in life.¹  

I had always been skeptical that the ability to wait to consume candy in childhood could predict lifelong patterns. And so, when the study was criticized by those who asserted that the ability of the children to be patient depended not so much on innate ability for impulse control but on their tendency, based on experience, to trust adults in their lives to come through on promises, I felt vindicated.²  

Some of my skepticism about the study might be due to my own impatience with waiting. It’s not so much about candy or cookies, for me, but rather with God, sometimes with others, but most of all with myself. I like to have responses right away, to phone calls, messages, emails etc. I like for plans to be made way in advance and confirmed. I want to know what I am doing, to learn quickly, to master skills right away, etc. In the first year of ordained ministry, the hardest part has often been the process of waiting, the patience needed to wait and the reality that so much of ministry cannot be hurried, that one only gets better at being a pastor by staying the course, waiting, and being patient.  

As I’ve come to know myself better, I realized that it’s not so much that I want everything to happen right away, as that I wanted them to be settled right away. I wanted the reassurance that things were going to be okay, that I would know what’s going to happen next, that the people I am charged to love and care for would be okay, that I was going to be and do okay.

Patience, I realized, required trust, much as the children given the marshmallows needed to trust that the adults in charge would do what they promised, before they were able to delay the present enjoyment of a treat for the sake of a later reward. The ability to wait required the trust that things were going to be okay, that God is holding it all, and holding those I love, those I am responsible for, and me, in the hollow of his hand.

Without that trust, without the ultimate assurance that, in the words of Julian of Norwich “all shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well,” patience can feel hollow, or an illusion. It’s not the assurance that everything will turn out the way I want or expect, or that pain and hardship will not be involved, but rather trust in the One who is holding it all that allows for patience. Because ultimately, patient waiting is really about the ability to not be vigilant, not to try to hold or control what I cannot, and at least for me, that only happens when the One whom the Lord Jesus calls Abba Father, is holding it all.  

Rev. Dr. Julia Qiuye Zhao was born in China, grew up in Toronto and completed a PhD at the University of Notre Dame before following God’s call into ministry. She completed a MDiv at Princeton Theological Seminary and a certificate in spiritual direction with Oasis Ministries for Spiritual Development in May of 2023. She is ordained as a minister of Word and Sacrament in the Presbyterian Church (USA) and serves as the Associate Pastor in Residence at First Presbyterian Church in Valparaiso, Indiana. She also serves as a spiritual director in the Asian American community.