By Tina Teng-Henson

I believe that I shall look upon 
the goodness of the LORD 
in the land of the living! 
–Psalm 27:13 (ESV)

About 6 months ago, I stopped working at the large denominational church that had spent 2 years recruiting me. Despite all the time we’d spent discerning fit, my time there was just 5 months.  

Without knowing it, I entered a season of ministry sabbatical. My first since 2017, just about 7 years ago. 

Many mornings I woke up wondering about purpose. What would I do and who would I be, if I was no longer pastoring? I sincerely questioned whether I would ever return to accept a call.

Several days I napped repeatedly. Could I still be tired, soul-weary, from all those years of pushing myself? During the Orchard years, I would wake up so early to get quality solitude with the Lord, because the kids were so young and so noisy during the daytime. 

After Orchard, there were so many people I extended myself to connect with, during very short seasons of interim ministry. One year with a small church of 75. Then 7 months with a church an hour north. Then 5 months with a church half-an-hour away, with over 400 congregants.

Different kinds of emotional work. Trying to generate momentum for outreach. Assisting with delicate matters of forgiveness and reconciliation. Negotiating a dysfunctional system with unhealthy levels of leadership turnover. 

Even so, it feels odd to wake up on a Sunday with nothing to do other than go to church.  

I’ve never not had anything to do on a Sunday since moving to California 13 years ago. If I wasn’t teaching Christian Formation Hour at the church plant – I was emceeing the service. Then it was developing family ministry and outreach at the Presbyterian church – or helping with worship. Then it was connecting with people between 3 services and adding them to fifty Life Groups at the big black church. Even when I was preaching every other Sunday at Orchard – I had so much motivation for creating and launching other initiatives. During the pandemic, we ran a Vocational Discernment Group, Intimacy with God prayer workshops, and created a Virtual Prayer Room. 

I’m not mad at God, I just miss working with Him.  I miss chewing on a piece of scripture throughout the week. Sermon prep would straighten my heart out, give me a way to pray and meditate and work my way through a given day.  I would pray constantly, about everything. We were always in dialogue.

One thing I don’t miss is all the time we spent having to be social.  I extended myself to connect and relate to everyone in each church community.  Several friends have commented that I post too many pictures on Facebook of time spent with others. I concur. The true introvert within me feels like she hasn’t ever had a chance to be. 

See, I was born into a family of 3 girls, and my grandparents lived with us from when I was 1 to 10. We had a full house, and we’d pile into a 7-seater Lincoln Town Car to get to church each Sunday. It was a medium-sized church, but we were there for 18 years, so we knew everyone.  It was our community. That said, we were so raised to be so focused on school, church, and music lessons that my sisters and I genuinely weren’t raised to have deep friendships. 

So when I got to college, I spent most waking hours absolutely loving all the opportunities to meet new people, make and deepen friendships, and reach out to anyone who seemed interested in faith. I think I got schoolwork done by working it in-between all the one-on-one lunches and dinners I’d schedule with people. 

Paul Tripp writes: 

“Psalm 27 was written in hard moments in David’s life. Scholars say that either Psalm 27 was written when David was fleeing from the murderous jealousy of Saul; he had been nothing but a faithful servant to Saul, but Saul was jealous and out to take his life. It was a situation of horrible personal injustice. Or other people say that Psalm 27 was written when David was fleeing from his son, Absalom, who had conspired to take his throne. In a monarchy, the way you take the king’s throne is by killing the king. And so, it’s a horrible situation of family betrayal.”

David was dealing with jealousy from Saul – or conspiracy from Absalom. Pressure from above, or pressure from below. Either way, David was in a difficult season. 

I’ve found myself in an unusual season, but despite the vague sense that I’ve lost a limb or this recurring feeling that I should just reinvent myself and find a totally new career path, this penultimate verse in Psalm 27 approximates where I am:

New International Version

I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. 

New Living Translation

Yet I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.

I remain confident – yet I am confident. Not quite sure which. Perhaps saying it aloud will make it easier to believe?

To be quite honest, I’ve lost a lot of confidence in many things over the course of these 7 years. I’m less confident in myself and my abilities. The humility is good, but it’s also hard. 

I’m less confident that lead pastors have the ability to care well for their staff. I haven’t had many good experiences on this front. 

I’m less confident in the goodness of other people, and in the general well-being of most churches. I’m less naive, less idealistic, and sometimes less hopeful.

But I do believe that if we can stay the course and not give up, we will see the goodness of God. Not all the time. Not in everything. But we’ll see it, here and there, and learn to practice manifesting it.

Because as odd as this season is, it has been deeply good for me, for my body, and for my soul. I’ve seen the goodness of God in this season of not-doing. I’ve had the time to get back into a holistic exercise routine.  Because there literally is nothing else to do sometimes, and I can think through, what does my body actually need? What helps it feel healthy and strong? 

Some days I’ve had no other good thing to do other than go through that pile of household miscellany.  I’ve finally tackled those to-do items on that never-ending list.  Those things that would inevitably get pushed lower in priority.  Too often, some pastoral responsibility would come up that would take precedence over, say, adding our third child to our last will and testament! It’s a good thing this season of ministry sabbatical has happened… because she is 6.5 years old! After thinking about it for several months, I’ve finally put that ball in motion. 

Going back to the goodness of God for my body: about a week and a half ago, I fainted and fell against the door frame of my daughter’s room just before bedtime. I don’t remember falling; I just remember sitting up after falling, but keeping my eyes closed until I regained my senses. For a variety of reasons, I didn’t get checked out the next day or over the weekend. When the advice nurse finally got ahold of me, it had been 6 days since the incident. Since there were no appointments available for two more days, she recommended I go to Urgent Care.

Because I had only one appointment on the calendar that day, I canceled it – and I took myself over to get the care I needed. It was no longer urgent, but it was still very important.

The King James version actually translates this verse, “I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”  I recognize I will respond to the needs and opportunities to serve others to such an extent – that I’ll occasionally forget about myself. I’ll get by, but probably without fully eating enough, staying well-hydrated, and resting adequately. It’s become how I’m wired, after a decade of juggling ministry and motherhood. Fainting was a wake-up call that I need to take better care of myself, whether or not I’m pastoring. I can’t just pray through everything, fueled by a heady mixture of adrenaline, cortisol, and caffeine. We have to make sure we’re hitting the basics on Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. 

The other day, my husband woke up early for his 6 am Men’s Group Bible study, and he’d probably only gotten about 6 hours of sleep because of the other tasks he wanted to get done before turning in. Mid-day, he grew tired, and called me later on to report on how he felt. “I was more emotional, and then I got nostalgic and sentimental!” For my husband, an electrical engineer, there were more feeling words in that one sentence than I’d probably heard in several weeks! 

This reminded me of how emotionally turbulent I found church involvement to be.  Regardless of how well-run things might seem from the outside, internally, there were always conflictual dynamics, competitive vying for resources, and subtle differences that were rife for exploitation. Add to that the fatigue of staff, feeling strapped for time, having to deal with a commute. Those years were wearying. 

For this reason, I like how the New King James Version translates this verse: “I would have lost heart, unless I had believed That I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living.”  Often I felt like I had lost my heart amidst everything. The quantity of sad things going on in the lives of many people would add up. It would weigh me down. My neck often felt out of alignment, burdened by the stressors I carried. 

Taking this time away from the year-round church calendar has been good for my soul. I have time to notice how deeply or shallowly I’m breathing. I can add margin between activities. I can be interrupted, and be in the moment, and journal – a lot.  

I actually wonder if, some time after this season has elapsed, God will call me back into something which will feel “big” again. Which will require deep reserves from which to draw. Which will be collaborative and confidence-building.  Something Scripture-oriented, and people-facing once again. 

I can look forward to that, but I have begun to embrace this season for what it is. A unique chance to dwell in the land of the living, and do simply that: Live. Be. Rest. 

And see the goodness of God. 

Tina Teng-Henson serves as a spiritual director and hospice chaplain. As a wife and mother of three, she occasionally guest-preaches and teaches. When she’s not volunteering at her children’s schools, she plays volleyball, reads, and writes.