By Sarah D. Park

I find myself in a unique in-between space these days. I’ve reached round 3 out of 4 rounds for a job position that I both need and desire. And as I wait for my final interview date, I’m feeling the half-security of potentially having a job and the half-insecurity of potentially having nothing. My mind is constantly straying between researching which expensive restaurant I’ll finally get to try or steeling itself for jumping back into the chilly waters that is the job hunt.

It’s been one and a half years of unemployment. It hasn’t been just that – I had a baby boy, moved across the country, and our New York apartment has been a revolving door for a bevy of friends. But right now, when I’m this close to finally getting a job, I wonder about God’s faithfulness.

The first thing that comes to mind is that people often attribute God’s faithfulness when something tangible is provided. It’s the most concrete evidence that God has not abandoned you: money at a crucial time, food when someone is hungry, a much hoped for job.

I’m not proud of the ways I abandoned myself this past year. When I’d get discouraged and seek escape from my own life, I’d get lost down a YouTube rabbit hole or numb my brain with Netflix, succumbing to the next episode that would automatically play.

But in the last two months, I learned to fight for myself in earnest. I asked for help from a friend to project manage my job search. I made space to face my feelings of despair and hopelessness head-on so that I could move through them. I reminded myself of what was true about my worth and I asked my community to contribute truths as well. When I ask myself, “Did God feel faithful?”, to my surprise, I feel faithful to myself.

I learned how to not abandon my desires. I practiced picking myself up again and again. I shortened the time that I escaped and celebrated coming back to myself.

I may not yet be able to clearly name how God has been faithful to me, but it feels like its own kind of grace that I’ve grown to be faithful to myself. Thank God for that.

Sarah D. Park is a freelance writer whose work focuses on the cultivation of cross-racial dialogue with a Christian faith orientation. She is also a story producer for Inheritance Magazine and manages communications for several organizations. She currently calls the Bay Area her home but is an Angeleno through and through.