Photo by jurvetson
By Joy Wong
Ever since I was a little girl, I loved making New Year’s resolutions. I loved the idea of taking the time to reflect on who I was and how I could be better, and then creating to-do items in the hopes of forming good habits to better myself. Self-improvement was an important value of mine, and the tradition of making resolutions on New Year’s Day gave me the opportunity to do just that.
However, I began to realize that self-improvement had become a kind of addiction. The resolutions themselves seemed harmless — resolutions to be better organized, to be kinder to others, to exercise more; some resolutions aimed to better my spiritual life — to read the Bible and pray more regularly, to memorize Scripture, etc. But I realized that they came out of a mindset that made no room for self-acceptance. In regards to myself, the glass was always half-empty, instead of half-full. I could always be better, regardless of how I had already improved.
In more recent years, recognizing my need for self-acceptance, I’ve resolved not to make New Year’s resolutions. I’m happy to say that I’ve become better at accepting myself as I am, instead of trying to improve all the time. However, I have found that my “half-empty” lens affects the way I see not only myself, but also my life circumstances. I think a lot about what I have not yet attained or achieved, and worry that I will never reach my goals. It seems that I live my life in pursuit of what is just out of reach.
My prayer is that God will help me to wear a “half-full” lens not only in regards to myself, but also in regards to my life. I want to recognize and be grateful for what has been given to me, rather than be worried and anxious about what I do not already have. And in the spirit of seeing “half-full”, I am grateful that God has shown me that I need to change my lens, and I carry high hopes that God can and will do this change in me in this new year and throughout the years to come!
Joy Wong completed a Masters of Divinity degree at Fuller Theological Seminary. She and her husband currently attend New City Church of Los Angeles. To contact Joy, please send your inquiry to aawolsisters@gmail.com.
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Joy,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on new year. I find myself the same way as you were, always trying to improve myself and always thinking that I am “half-empty.” I am wondering if it is possible to improve ourselves and accept ourselves at the same time, rather than seeing them as mutually exclusive.
Chloe
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Chloe! I do think there must be such a thing as improving while accepting oneself. But while I dwell in deficit-based thinking, I find that most or all of my improvements stem out of a sense of “not good enough.” Furthermore, after I’ve improved, I still continue to lament all my deficiencies! All my focus is on what’s not right, instead of what is right. (For instance, when I look in the mirror, all I’m looking for are flaws, and thus, all I see are flaws.)
Upon reflection, perhaps the key here is not whether I improve or not, but the lens through which I see myself and the world. I’ve only just started trying asset-based thinking (and it’s a struggle at that), and I don’t know where the motivation to improve comes from if you have a glass half-full lens! I’ll be sure to let you know if/when I figure it out:) –Joy
I see perpetual “restlessness” among our sisters that can deplete energy and consequently creativity. When our “restless” meets with “restfulness” the quest for self-enhancement will become a byproduct rather than a goal. I too have not done a new year resolution ritual this year. When you reach the age of more than 50 years old, you take yourself and your life less seriously. I am glad that I get to be called by God and live God’s calling. What a privilege it is to live life on edge:)
Spirituality at this age doesn’t revolve around binary lens of “right” vs “wrong.” Rather, you live life much more authentically yours that aligns with all of yourself–both strengths and weaknesses. What matters is whether you are fully yourself in serving God’s calling. You crave less for other’s approval but seek more partnership connecting vocational dots. After all one realizes at this age that life is short and therefore each moment and each encounter become much more meaningful.
Thanks for your response, Young!
Because most of my life (and past accomplishments) have been driven by this sense of restlessness, I sometimes worry that without that restlessness, I will become a vegetable of sorts.
Another thing I often wonder about is how to live according to Kingdom values while pursuing accomplishments that have value in the world’s eyes. (For instance, PhD or no PhD — we’re all the same in God’s eyes, but a PhD in Asian Christian circles makes a big difference.) How do we navigate this discrepancy? –Joy
In the end of everything, I think it is whether or not you feel led by God to pursue a PhD or no PhD. No matter what your decision is, God loves who you are and accepts the inner beauty of anyone, whether achieving more accomplishment or not doing anything because it might be a season of waiting for you.
I pray for more hangout times that you have Jesus, whether is meeting him at the Well in the afternoon, or serving humbly in the ministries without any expectations back. God is working in you right now, always fully present.
Karen
Karen, thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement — they mean a lot to me! In recent years, I find I am constantly challenged to stay in the present and experience God working in the present instead of thinking and worrying about the future all the time. Your last sentence speaks straight to this challenge, and encourages me to continue growing in this area. — Joy