Photo by Mike Bailey-Gates
by Joy Wong
Late last year, it was decided that this blog needed to expand to represent the stories and voices of evangelical Asian American women leaders outside of the immediate AAWOL core group. Getting busy and multi-tasking women with ministry and familial responsibilities to write blog entries understandably proved to be difficult. To lighten their load, I decided to do short interviews instead, and take on the writing and editing work myself.
After requesting and performing interviews with evangelical Asian American women for the past six months, I’ve noticed patterns. Most are flattered and honored to be asked to share their stories and insights. But mostly I’m struck by how many are surprised and in disbelief that they have something to contribute, and a few women have shared their insights and then been very quick to go back and judge what they shared as “stupid,” “foofy,” or some other disparaging adjective.
I also have the same tendencies towards self-judgment, and I wonder why Asian American women in general have these tendencies. Personally, I have felt incredibly blessed to be able to hear these women’s perspectives and stories first-hand, and to have the privilege of making their insights accessible to others. I feel that evangelical Asian American women have an enormous amount to contribute (and the snippets on this blog don’t do justice to that — but it’s a start). But I do worry that our own self-judgement may be so severe that we judge ourselves into invisibility. We’ve determined that we have nothing to contribute before we’ve given anything of ourselves at all.
Any insights on this would be greatly appreciated, as I certainly have not figured this all out. And not all evangelical Asian American women leaders have this kind of struggle with self-judgment. If you don’t struggle with this, I want to interview you to learn from you. And if you do struggle with it, I want to interview you too, to learn from you as well. All our stories contain experiences that others can learn from (both in their similarities and differences from ourselves and our experiences). For the sake of others, will you step out courageously to tell your story?
Joy Wong completed a Masters of Divinity degree at Fuller Theological Seminary. She and her husband currently attend New City Church of Los Angeles. To contact Joy, please send your inquiry to aawolsisters@gmail.com.
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Hi Joy,
I LOVE your post! I resonated with every word of it! I didn’t realize that it was a pattern with AA women; I just thought it was my own family of origin wounds that contributed to my self-judgment. Therapy has been healing and allowed me to be less self-judgmental, but it is always a demon that seems to lurk around the corner. Being able to share my story with you (and the blog) was really challenging but really good. I was constantly wondering what others were thinking about it, even though ultimately it doesn’t really matter what others think.
Nadia
Thanks for your response, Nadia! I’ve found that most Asian American women are shy about responding publicly to our posts (perhaps, ironically, due to self-judgment and fear of public criticism?), so I’m all the more appreciative of your posted comment:)
It has also taken me quite a bit of inner work (it’s amazing how much) to be able to “find my voice” and even as far as I’ve come, I still find myself not quite as free from self-judgment and fear of criticism as I would like to be. When self-judgment and actual criticism from others does occur, it takes a great deal of courage and both inner and outer resources to keep it from having a silencing effect on me. Fortunately, I do feel well-supported to continue developing in this area, and it sounds like you do too!
I feel certain that this inner work is important for both of us, and for AA women in general. It’s comforting to know that we’re in this together — thanks again for reading and responding, Nadia! -Joy
I read your blog post, then I read this in Spiritual Direction by Henri Nouwen:
“Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that declares we are loved. Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence. We are loved as creatures with both limitations and glory.” (p.31)
Thanks for sharing that quote, Cindy! I’ve never read Spiritual Direction by Nouwen, but now I want to.
I also want to share a book I’ve been reading that addresses the self-rejecting voices, particular to women (for you or anyone who resonates with this blog post). It’s titled, “I Know I’m in There Somewhere” by Helene G. Brenner. I’m not finished reading it yet, but so far, it’s been very helpful in identifying where the voices of self-judgment come from and includes helpful exercises that help to overcome them.