Photo by habaneros
By Joy Wong
In the last month, I’ve come to really dislike the word miscarriage. It sounds too much like the words “mistake” or “misstep,” implying that somebody is responsible for what happened. The word miscarriage also suggests the question of “who miscarried the baby?”, usually assigning blame to the mom. Of course, early miscarriages do go by another name – spontaneous abortion. Can’t say I’m a big fan of that term either.
On New Years Day, my husband and I found out we were expecting, and immediately our lifestyle changed dramatically. In preparation, I read What To Expect When You’re Expecting, did a fair amount of online research, and welcomed advice from others about how to be careful, what to eat, what not to eat, etc. Being Asian American, I found myself receiving both Asian and American advice, some of which contradicted each other. However, for the most part I was able to straddle both sides, doing my best to follow all the advice given. Better safe than sorry, I thought.
But 11 weeks later, we had an early miscarriage. The immediate, natural reaction of most people, including my own, was to ask, “What went wrong?” The Asian view is that miscarriage can be caused by the slightest emotional or physical upset, such as heavy-lifting of any kind (groceries, furniture, etc.), unhappy feelings, or other various motions such as reaching my hands high above my head. Some have even hinted that I shouldn’t work while I’m pregnant. This view makes me feel guilty – as if I could have prevented the miscarriage from happening.
On the other hand, the American view is that while miscarriages can be caused by STDs, alcohol and drug use, smoking, poor nutrition, or chronic health conditions of the mother, most miscarriages occur due to chromosomal or genetic abnormalities. Furthermore, they list things that are believed not to be the cause, which are exactly contradictory to Asian beliefs. Heavy-lifting (including children, groceries, and light furniture), minor falls or injuries, brief emotional upset, and other everyday activities such as hanging curtains are believed not to cause miscarriage. The pervading thought is that if all the well-known hazards to pregnancy were avoided, then the miscarriage was probably due to something that couldn’t be helped. Needless to say, this view relieves me of any guilt I might feel.
While some dismiss the Asian views as superstitious, others dismiss the American views as naïve. As for me, though I prefer how the American view makes me feel, I find that I can’t wholeheartedly forego all credibility in Asian medicine either. I grew up with the ideas of balancing “hot” (yang) and “cold” (yin) foods, watched my dad use Chinese medicine for aches and pains, and lately have been following some Asian remedies offered to me for post-miscarriage recovery, which has been helpful.
In our book Mirrored Reflections, we talk about the Asian American advantage of “both/and” – the ability to hold two seemingly opposite views in tension. I still value my Asian and American heritage, but in the event of the miscarriage, the task of being “both/and” was particularly difficult. Ultimately, my husband and I will never know in this lifetime why the miscarriage occurred. All we know is that we did the best that we could with the information we had. As such, we’ve chosen to release our guilt and sadness, and to give God our unanswered questions.
Joy Wong is on staff in the children’s ministry at Evangelical Formosan Church of Los Angeles. She has an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, a BA in English from Princeton University, as well as four years’ experience in industrial distribution management. She is a contributing author to Mirrored Reflections: Reframing Biblical Characters, published in September 2010.
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Wow! I am glad that you decided to share your miscarriage. So many women experience what you recently had. Many younger women will appreciate your sharing and will follow your suit in breaking the often silenced pain.
Young, did you know that because I only heard about miscarriage experiences from the AAWOL women, I used to have a subconscious fear that women in ministry were more prone to miscarriage than other women (like it was some sort of sign that women really weren’t supposed to be in ministry)??
Now, as news is spreading about my own miscarriage, a lot of women (who are not ministry leaders) have come to share their own miscarriage experiences with me, and I realize that it’s not that women in ministry are more prone to miscarriage, but rather that women ministry leaders are simply more open to sharing it with others.
Joy, thanks so much for your openness (I know…another realm to navigate: how much of an open book should I be? I personally err on the side of total transparency!)!!
I’m hoping the many of us who’ve had miscarriages (is there another word?) will find courage to weigh in with our own stories on this blog!!
Another realm to navigate: how people respond when they hear the news (and these are found among Asians, Americans, churched, and non-churched)….here are a couple responses….
1. From a fellow small-group member: “You just needed more faith.”
2. From a friend: “You should have had more people praying for you.”
3. From a colleague: “Oh, just 11 weeks? Ours was worse: 6 months.”
4. From a student: “Professor, you shouldn’t be wearing high heels or open toes.”
5. From a parent on a mother’s day card: “Even though you’re not a real mother,….” (what followed was supposed to be a compliment….a few months later, this parent wrote on my bday card, “To our daughter, who is also a mom”…yes, parents can learn!)
Of course, I’ve had some really hopeful stories too. Here’s one: I still have a tough time on Mother’s Day. I know I’m a mother, but since I have no children taken to term, society doesn’t really see me as a mom. So…do I stand up when mothers are honored at church? One of our pastors one year was sensitive to this and had his young son bring me a flower, while I remained sitting. I was brought to tears but so appreciated this acknowledgement. Thank God for Asian male pastors like that!
Joy, thanks for helping to break this barrier for us. And may God continue to do God’s merciful work in you, your body, and your family!
Debbie, thanks for sharing your experiences:) I’m glad I can laugh about it with you now, although I’m sure they must have been so hurtful when they occurred at the time!
There ARE so many things that can be talked about regarding miscarriage. (I don’t think there’s another word, unless you want to go with “spontaneous abortion” or the more generic term of “pregnancy loss.”) Along with hurtful responses from others and Mother’s Day, I’d also love to discuss all the different strange advice one gets about how to prevent miscarriage (which, so far, seem to all come from Asians).
I like the one I heard last night… that playing the piano can cause a miscarriage! What else is there, I wonder??
Dear Joy,
Thanks for your willingness to share about the loss of your child. You’re breaking the sound barrier for many other women with your boldness.
What’s more there is an added dimension to your struggle as an Asian-American that resonates with so many of us who are still balancing the different advice, solicited and unsolicited, that we receive from both cultures.
Your faith is an example to us all.
Those who trust in the Lord will not be ashamed.
Thanks for your encouragement and affirmation, Grace! The silence that surrounds this topic does make me wonder whether it is shame that keeps us all from speaking of it (and if so, whether others are judging me for being so open about it). Regardless, I do think it’s better for women to be able to talk about it rather than keep it within themselves. Sharing the experience with others and hearing from other women about their own stories has been a healing experience for me.
Joy, I echo these sisters’ thanks for your open and honest reflection on what can be such a confusing and painful experience. Unsolicited advice from anyone – Asian or American – can be not so helpful. I have learned to listen, mourn, and pray in solidarity with those who share this memory. There are more out there than we realize or hear about. As you know, I had a similar experience on a Mother’s Day so it is not something easily forgotten.
Ultimately God knows our stories, our pain, and our questions – and those of our little ones, and rather than place blame on anyone or anything – we can only trust that He knows best.
Take care of yourself, get some rest and let God do the healing.
Maria, it was so good to talk to you at the symposium, knowing that you’ve been through it and that you understand. Also, your example of living out God’s call on your life including having children is encouraging to me, who constantly wonders how all the different parts of my life can piece together. Thanks for being faithful to your call in ministry and motherhood, and then taking the time to share with others (like me) how you’ve made it work. It always helps me to hear from women who are a few steps ahead in the journey — it gives me hope and courage for the future:)
Joy, your ability and willingness to reflect upon your miscarriage is a great comfort for anyone who has experienced a loss. I personally found the cultural comparisons of the Asian and American diagnoses encouraging as it makes me think twice about other deep rooted beliefs I might have that impact the way I view my own circumstances–especially during times that I feel like I failed in some way or could have prevented something bad from happening. In the end i guess it’s a reminder that we don’t have full control over things.
Jenn, your comment reminds me of similar reflections I’ve had about deep-rooted Asian beliefs. For instance, I always get the impression that Asians believe that “if only you’re careful enough, bad things won’t happen to you.” What naturally follows from this line of thinking is that if bad things do happen to you, then it’s your fault.
I think the truth is, when bad things happen to us, we’re not always to be blamed for it. Sometimes nobody is to blame; sometimes somebody is to blame, but it’s not you; and sometimes, we are indeed the one to blame. But the point being, it’s not always us to be blamed.
I do value the “careful” and risk-adverse mindset I’ve inherited from my Asian roots. It’s helped me to avoid many dangers in life. But I also sometimes wonder how much this mindset contributes to a subconscious works-oriented theology; that God will reward those who live right, and they will not suffer. It’s motivation to live uprightly, but then our theology is in shambles when we do suffer.
Anyways, lots of thoughts from me without much of a coherent conclusion — but I thought I’d put it out there:) Thanks so much for reading my blog, and commenting!
Thanks so much for this blog and all the maturity that is shown here. I think that sharing is also part of openness which to me relates to the feminine side, and therefore is already showing motherhood in itself. Openness to see without judging and admitting that we are not in control of everything. What if there is something that can change in our bodies for good just because we conceive even if the baby doesn’t reach full term? What if this baby was meant to prepare the way for others to come? Or what if the pregnancy, disregarding the result was meant to wake up parts in our minds that can open us to have a different worldview and correlate now to others differently giving new life where there is death and dryness? There is so much that we don’t know, but maybe death can bring life if we are open to it.
Marta — what enlightening possibilities that I never really considered! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reading my blog!