Photo by Crackers93
By Joy Wong
Several weeks ago, I decided to perm my typically straight hair. It came after weeks of deliberation, and after the perm, I felt glad for the change. However, in the first week, I started getting some reactions from people that were making me extremely self-conscious. I talked to my mom about it over the phone and she said, “Why should you care what other people think? Remember — you have a right to be ugly!”
This struck me as such a strange thing to say, and yet, it felt freeing. Because my mom hadn’t seen my permed hair yet, I knew she wasn’t saying that my curly locks now made me ugly. Rather, she was saying that I could look whatever way that I wanted, and I didn’t have to please the people around me. It also struck me as such an obvious statement…of course I have a right to be ugly! And yet, an honest look at myself would reveal that I never gave myself that permission. Instead, I automatically assumed that I had to meet the expectations of others, whether in performance, manners, speech, or appearance.
In the plenary panel session at the 3rd Asian American Equipping Symposium, “Healing of Memories,” Andrew Sung Park spoke of the term “double-consciousness” coined by W.E.B. Dubois, defined as “the sense of always looking at oneself through someone else’s eyes.” Andrew Sung Park went on to say that Asian Americans held a triple-consciousness — looking at oneself through the eyes of oneself, one’s parents, and the dominant culture. Futhermore, Park talks about how Asian American women have a quadruple-consciousness — seeing oneself in the eyes of oneself, one’s parents, the dominant culture, and their church (video of plenary panel session with Andrew Sung Park, 20:52). I wonder if this is what causes my extreme and almost painful sensitivity and self-consciousness instigated by my own perception that I am not meeting expectations. Furthermore, I’ve often heard it said that Asian American women naturally develop the skill of being able to walk into a room and to immediately know and conform to exactly what is expected of them based on who is in the room.
More reflection on this made me wonder, Do we, as Asian American women leaders, need to give ourselves permission to NOT fit into what is expected of us? Do we need to reclaim our “right to be ugly?” Maybe this means that we speak up to say something that may ruffle other people’s feathers, or that we act according to our convictions, not according to what others want. Maybe it means that we no longer play nice, quiet, demure and passive roles, but rather that we dare to get angry at injustice, to fight back when needed, and to aspire to be more than what our society expects and wants for us.
Having been accustomed to fit into everyone’s expectations, it will take courage for me to be ugly when the time calls for it. I pray that with the support of one another, we would strengthen each other to be strong and courageous, to do the inner work necessary to transcend the limitations placed upon us by what is deemed acceptable, and the self-acceptance to embrace all of who we are, to become the brave women of passion and conviction that God has created us to be.
And in conclusion — a quick shout-out to my mom who inspired this entry: Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!!!=)
Joy Wong is on staff in the children’s ministry at Evangelical Formosan Church of Los Angeles. She has an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, a BA in English from Princeton University, as well as four years’ experience in industrial distribution management. She is a contributing author to Mirrored Reflections: Reframing Biblical Characters, published in September 2010.
Joy, thank you for such an insightful reflection. I found the concepts of triple- and quadruple-consciousness to be particularly useful for me to keep in mind as I become more self-aware through my current studies in Marital and Family Therapy. The tension we live in as we hold these dimensions of consciousness requires a great deal of patience and creativity, and with that, I am reminded of our need to grow in courage and boldness as we live out the ways God has created us to be in the image of God.
Also, the sentence: “Furthermore, I’ve often heard it said that Asian American women naturally develop the skill of being able to walk into a room and to immediately know and conform to exactly what is expected of them based on who is in the room” –this is so true of me!
I agree with the importance of owning “our right to be ugly” to change things up — after all, if we know our roles to conform, then we probably have an idea of what it looks like to do the opposite to shake things up a bit. Even so, I think this ability to conform is a unique skill that can be used for us to tactfully ruffle feathers… I wonder if it is possible/what it looks like for us to use this skill to promote harmonious change in contexts of inequality.
– Liz Chang
Hey Liz! I’m glad that you can relate to what I wrote:)
I definitely feel like our ability to conform can be an asset, as it has worked for me for most of my life. However, as you intimated, if our only option is to conform and we don’t know any other option, then it can work against us (as it has for me on certain occasions as well) — mostly when my actions and words don’t reflect — in any way, shape, or form — what’s really going on inside me, in terms of feelings, thoughts, or convictions. That incongruence between inside and outside usually causes inner turmoil for me.
I really like your suggestion of “tactfully ruffling feathers.” I’m beginning to wonder if that can be done just by speaking up regularly — not with vehemence or anger, but simply to have our voice heard and to offer a differing opinion/perspective in a tone that reflects respect for others, benefit of the doubt in their intentions, and a graciousness that reveals humility and patience.
Thanks for this mother-honoring reflection, Joy! I LOVE the way she framed it: the right to be ugly. As one who has tended toward that “knowing” (or “noonchi”, as Koreans call it) when I enter a room for most my life (totally understand what you mean, Liz!)…and more recently come to accept that “knowing” as an asset…I did have to act in “ugliness” a couple years back, to the point of filing a grievance that became somewhat public. My main motivation for doing it, however, was justice: I didn’t want this person to ever take advantage of another Asian American woman again!
Your reflections also make me wonder whether it’s easier to consider the right to be ugly when we’re in a context where we’re more similar (in appearance) than different from most of the people in that context….just some thoughts. Thank you for this great reflection!
Thanks for your comment, Debbie! I guess if everyone looked more similar in appearance, meaning that Asians were the dominant culture, then perhaps it’d be easier to “be ugly” since we’d only have triple-consciousness: seeing ourselves in the eyes of ourselves, our parents, and our church (rather than quadruple-consciousness, which includes seeing ourselves in the eyes of the dominant culture). But still, I think it might be hard to get over the other aspects of self-consciousness… what do you think?
What’s interesting to me is that you were able to “be ugly” in filing that grievance, partly because you saw the justice in it — that you were not only doing it for yourself, but you were doing it for others. It reminds me of Chloe’s chapter in Mirrored Reflections about Bathsheba who goes from silence to voice when it comes to speaking up on behalf of her son. Perhaps ultimately our courage to “be ugly” will come when we see it as necessary on behalf of others — in essence, using our selflessness to our advantage (or as the Strengths Finder would say it, “Using our strengths to overwhelm our weaknesses.”).
I am catching up with the blog as I recently returned from my trip to Korea. My 2 cents would be to define beauty as boldly being and becoming one’s whole self. Congratulations on reframing your script:)
=) Thanks, Young, for your encouragement!