Photo by Ian Sane

By Tina Teng-Henson

I wore a dark blue dress into the city the other day, donned a white shirt over it, and slipped on a pair of new brown shoes. Not the height of fashion, but I didn’t dress with that in mind. I was more concerned with being comfortable, modest, and having a layer to add on.  Then I carried all my books around NYC in my old Jansport backpack.  My former student laughed when she saw me and said, “Tina, you look just like a student!” I replied, “I know! I left the house knowing I looked a bit funny, but I recently decided that I don’t care anymore what people think… and it’s been great!” She laughed some more, and I joined in.

It really has been great. These days, I feel really good about myself. I don’t know when else I’ve felt so happy being me, and if you know me, you know that’s not typical.

Parker Palmer quoted a poem by May Sarton in his book, Let Your Life Speak, which always resonated with me:

“Now I become myself. It’s taken
Time, many years and places;
I have been dissolved and shaken,
Worn other people’s faces…”

I’ve stopped wearing other people’s faces and gotten more used to the shape of my own. I’ve stopped worrying what people will think when they meet me. I’ve begun owning my feelings as my own. I’ve learned not to take on other people’s troubles, but listen empathically and empower them to hear what they themselves are saying. I’m working on not being flustered by other people’s anger and not reacting to it unawares. Believe me, I know I’m not fully there yet, but I have come a long way.

The irony is that all this came through a very difficult summer internship, training I signed up for without quite knowing where it would take me. I told people “my soul was excavated this summer” – layers upon layers of identity, selfhood, and belief, all pored over and publicly examined. Sometimes, I likened it to “swimming in an ocean that was not my own…” – and then would say, “and I don’t even like swimming!”  But during this eleven-week hospital chaplaincy program, God remained faithful to himself – even when I was faithless – and he used every encounter with patients and fellow chaplains to challenge, stretch, and grow me.

Part of the program’s core theory was that the deeper we went with our inner work, the more awareness we would have going into patient visits.  The more vulnerable we were willing to be in unpacking past hurts, drama, conflict, and issues with our family of origin – the more self-aware we would become with our various emotional triggers, areas of projection, unspoken assumptions, and defense mechanisms.  In my usual contexts, I’d be more than willing to examine this sort of stuff. But here? With brand-new coworkers? In an interfaith context? At work? After how our first few days of interactions went?! I had all sorts of suspicions and a general skepticism about this psychotherapeutic approach.

But as the summer progressed, the Lord walked me through each and every day. Showing me he’d teach me… how to trust my supervisor. How to love difficult colleagues. How to risk being honest with others and invite their thoughts and feedback. How to mourn and grieve the sad parts of my life. How to then sit with patients and colleagues with their tragedies.  Jesus taught me how beloved he could be to so many different types of Christians from all over the theological spectrum.  The Spirit helped me learn and be taught by others – humbled by their stories and their strength.

I write this because I’m still marveling at the sovereignty and goodness of God over my pride, through this tough summer, and in the way he’s brought forth in me that “new creation!” 2 Cor. 5:17 speaks of.  I also write this because I don’t know what you’re going through these days, reader-friend, but I am rooting for you… hang in there.

“I will tell of the kindnesses of the Lord,
the deeds for which he is to be praised,
according to all the Lord has done for us—
yes, the many good things
he has done for Israel,
according to his compassion and many kindnesses.” Isaiah 63:7

Tina Teng-Henson has been blessed to learn + grow alongside so many different people, in so many places: Long Island, NY — Harvard College + the South End of Boston — Nairobi, Kenya and Lanzhou, China.  She is presently enjoying her studies at Fuller‘s Northern California campus and internship at Jesus the Recreator Covenant Church in E. San Jose.