Photo by trazomfreak
By Margaret Yu
I hate it when good friends and mentors can get you right in the gut. I hate it when they can capture something that you already know; and yet when they say it, it illuminates your soul and not just your mind. When these friends become mirrors to help me truly see myself in all of my glory or ugliness — do I hate it or do I love it?
My friend C has been involved in my leadership journey for the last 15 years or so. She has always prayed and believed in me. C is one of those women who is so in tune with God that God sometimes literally uses her voice to speak to her friends. I have often heard God’s voice through my interactions with her as she leads me gently via prayer questions or reflection times.
Recently, she caught me straight in my tracks about my own sinfulness of grieving before its time. C had heard me talk about how disappointed I was over a conference that had not yet happened. I had shared that because the numbers were not what I had wanted, and I was a bit saddened by it. For me, it is usually a good sign to express my disappointments and griefs because most of my life has been about stuffing my emotions, so I felt pretty good about my growth to process the recent sadness in my heart.
However, as she slowed down my heart, she made me aware of how I was grieving before something actually happened. Through her inquiry, I was reminded of how I so often deal with disappointment or loss before it happens. Honestly, as a survivor or the daughter of immigrant parents, I had learned to view life from the ‘worst case scenario’ lens in order that I can grieve in a self- protective manner. I do this subconsciously so that I can preemptively contain further disappointments. If I can predict this, then at least I can control my emotions and stop believing for things to be better. If I am honest, I really do this as a means to protect my heart — from hope that could lead to more pain.
Needless to say, I was convicted that I do this because I am afraid of letting go and honestly living and letting myself feel the POTENTIAL of the disappointments without seeking to control it. C also reminded me that in those moments, I am not really trusting God. Rather, I am trusting in my way of controlling possible hurts or disappointments.
I was convicted that it is a sin to grieve before its time, because it is really self-protection and not grounded in reality. It is not healthy, because it does not allow God to enter into those moments for fear of not knowing what will happen next. Grieving only becomes healthy when I allow myself to feel without controlling it as God and his family enter in with me in faith that God will comfort me at the right time. Grieving can be a step of faith in trusting and hoping on God to comfort us without our own timetables. There we shall find his presence and true unhurried healing at the right time.
Grief is a beautiful process where the soul meets God in its fears, losses or in the potential of either. Grief is not about sheltering ourselves from the hurts of the world. It is not about believing the worst so that we will not be caught off guard in the midst of our pain. It is about trust in God and in ourselves that we can truly be vulnerable with Him without needing to cushion the blows of life.
I learned with my friend C that I had NOT been as faithful in believing in God for all of my feelings or fears. I had been doing what I know best to do in life: protecting my heart. In doing that, I did not truly live or honor God. I just wound up holding tightly to my life instead of giving my life and emotions to Him.
As a daughter of immigrant parents, I have grown up at times feeling like I am powerless, passive or as a victim of my own life circumstances. I watched my parents paralyzed by the pain of NOT being in control of their lives in a new country. I also witnessed them seeking survival which created a very defensive and fearful attitude in their hearts and minds. This is what I gained in my psyche from them. In thinking of the worst case scenarios, I am most like my parents. In my adult years, I am seeking to grow up that paralyzed child in myself.
As my friend C skillfully convicted me that I had been lacking in faith, she also prayed for repentance that would lead to me contending in faith for the things that I see or feel. When she prayed for me, it was as if my little child became more emboldened to trust God and not guard my heart from hurts or potential disappointments. As we prayed together, I so longed for my soul to continue to learn to not grieve before its time, but to grieve when it is time deemed by God. She gave me hope that there is a season to grieve, but there is a season to contend in faith for the things of God, or for things that could potentially scare us or control us.
I love the power of God to grow us to do things that are beyond ourselves. I love how God can change my psyche. I love the grace of God to gently guide us to faith and not fear or control because He is ultimately in control and not us! [Thank you, C! I love how you lead me to God and faith.]
So, how about you? How are you learning to grieve? When do you grieve before your time? How are you learning to contend in faith?
Margaret Yu is the National Director of Leadership Development for Epic Movement, the Asian American Ministry of Campus Crusade for Christ. Her passion is to empower Asian American leaders to lead while using their God given design and heritage.
aawolsisters.com 
Wow. I also reflected a lot this summer on my own preemptive grief — what a thorough and minutely-attuned reflection you shared, Margaret. Thank you! May God lead us out of this practice + into greater hope!
Thanks for sharing this, Margaret. I too do this!! I imagine we tend to do this more as we get older too, having experienced more hurt and more difficulties. I was particularly struck by the link you made to the story of your parents’ immigration…and the loss they experienced. Hmmm…much to think about.
Tina & Debbie, Grateful to be on the same journey with you all about preemptive grief. I too am learning to know how to allow God to direct me to grief and when to contend for faith. I am learning just like you all are, friends. Thankful that we are NOT alone on our Asian American journeys. God is here and we can be enter in together.
Debbie, We must talk. You have encouraged me a lot in my thinking about spiritual emotional growth as a friend and as an API woman. (So, let’s talk off line on some more stuff!)
And I do agree that as we get older, sometimes the disappointments of life can tempt us to continue to guard our hearts from further hurt. You are so right about this that as we grow older, we need more grace for our hearts to continue to trust….and not be self protecting…of more pains or disappointments.
Blessings to both of you!
Margaret, I appreciate your vulnerability you modeled in your reflection. The language of “sin” somehow feels too harsh more than the preemptive grieving. Your coping mechanism served you well and I hear you wanting to move beyond that phase. Oh how much we wish that we could take off our old clothes and put on a new one so easily! Thank you for sharing deep stuff. Honestly, I have only seen your fun persona so far.
Young Lee, Thanks for your comment. I value your input. I can see what you mean about the word ‘sin’ being harsh. So, a point well taken.
However, I do feel that in my context, this came out of having been w/ the Lord that I sensed him calling it ‘sin’ as is. But you are right in that it is about how I have used certain coping mechanism and that I no longer want those any more.
Have a great day, Young Lee. Hugs.