Photo by kevin dooley
By Joy Wong
I find that I don’t have much to talk about these days. When people ask me how I’m doing, I report a typical “fine” without elaborating much, and when I rack my brain on how I can elaborate (mainly to alleviate awkwardness in conversation), I come up with very little.
It’s not that there’s nothing going on. I’m taking an online class on American Presbyterian History (required for ordination), I’m in an introductory program on spiritual direction, and I’ve had some emotional ups and downs and little flashes of learning and revelation here and there, as usual.
But it seems that no matter what’s going on, whether the daily stresses, deadlines, or anxieties, it’s somehow all eclipsed by the main event in my life right now: PREGNANCY
All the things that used to consume my life before — thoughts about my vocation and spiritual formation — seem trumped by the thoughts, emotions, and preparation having to do with this coming baby. Although I have every intention of continuing in the ordination process, I half-worry that being consumed about all things “baby” will render me an eventual ordination dropout. After all, my natural default is to put family first before all things, even myself, and while my husband and I can keep a fairly good equilibrium, I wonder what will happen once a totally-dependent, high-maintenance little person is thrown into the mix. Will all that was once important fade into the distance? Will I become completely unrecognizable to myself? Will I be able to maintain any sense of selfhood, or will all things become consumed by the role of “mother?”
Whatever the result, there’s not much to be done. If there’s anything I feel these days, it’s the sense that the life that is growing inside me is completely out of my control. Sure, I can make sure I’m getting enough nutrition and exercise to increase the chances for a healthier baby and a better delivery and post-partum experience. But the reality is, this pregnancy is way out of my hands. It’s the biggest event in my life right now, and all I can do is wait and watch it happen.
It’s a good lesson for me — to release and let happen, instead of trying to control how things turn out and deluding myself into thinking that all things rest on my own efforts. I’ve been realizing lately that not only is God the Author of life, but also God is the God of order, not chaos. I may not know how things will be ordered in my life, but I can choose to release and let go to the One who does.
Joy Wong is a contributing author to Mirrored Reflections: Reframing Biblical Characters, published in September 2010. She has an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, a BA in English from Princeton University, as well as four years’ experience in industrial distribution management. Joy and her husband Will attend Northland Village Church.
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Thanks Joy for sharing. You are entering a blessed period indeed as you have written. Being a mom has definitely changed me and I know that I have learned to be a better “child” of God in the process. Praying for you today.
Thanks for your encouragement, Melanie! It means a lot, coming from an ordained minister + mom such as yourself:)
Oh my gosh, Joy – I relate more than I would like! 😛 [warning: I’m just going to be honest.]
After writing my post last week, where I felt great about everything going on in my life… I had another tough week managing schoolwork + ever-mushrooming church work [and yes – pregnancy!]… culminating in a weekend of hours spent crying + feeling conflicted about basically everything.
How could I feel 180 degrees opposite about each piece of my life (future pastoral ministry, present church work, seminary completion, even this baby) — when 1-2 weeks ago, I’d felt…more or less FINE?This led to the wise decision NOT to go to our denominational conference (which involved travel out of town + 7 am breakfast meetings + 3 of us in one hotel room – don’t even ask). And stay here to sleep as usual til 9 am, process how + when to transition responsibilities at church to others, and catch up on schoolwork I have fallen behind on.
I have to confess. I thought, “pregnancy? I can do this. I know other women say it’s tough, but it can’t be that bad.” Now I get it…
Know you have a sister who cares + is in the same boat.
This is my hunch after this awful weekend, but it’s a hope that I’m clinging to. That God opened my womb at this time So That this child would change my life – for the better. Though it feels like a dismantling or a destruction, He’s in it and is doing this to take away the false self and give me back who He actually made me to be. My sense of what I’ll do professionally will be almost mercifully limited by what I really truly DO WANT to do with the precious time I have. The shoulds/oughts/nice things I want to do will be replaced by the “I cannot NOT do these few things I deeply love… that nourish me + make me feel most truly alive and well and his beloved.” Almost like a winnowing, my hope is that my true self and my deepest call from God is re-emerging + will resurface…again and again. And whether any or all or some of what I’m currently absorbed with will remain (or be indelibly changed)… remains to be seen.
Wow — thanks for sharing all this, Tina!
I’m so GLAD we’re in this together, as it does seem like I also have my good days and my bad days — good days, where all is right in the world, my trust in God feels rooted, and I’m able to have a healthy, big-picture perspective about life and vocation. And then there are the bad days, where an inner urgency to forge ahead with my vocational plans seems blocked or challenged by my present condition, and an inability to envision or predict what motherhood & ministry might look like in the future brews into an ever-growing anxiety. I suppose it’s the challenge of dealing with the unknowns of the future, when I like things to be predictable and planned out.
Ultimately, deep down, I do know this is what I want; I just wish I knew how it was all going to fit together! We’ll have to help each other when we lose perspective.. especially as I hear that things can be pretty tough after the baby comes too!
I’m so thankful for your companionship in this season of life, Tina:)
Praying for you and thanks for sharing w/ us. We love you and are praying for you as you continue to grow and become a great mom.
Margaret — thanks for always praying for me! Your presence in my life (even your online presence) always encourages me to press on and to have hope=)