By Ann Chen

Most of my adult life in America has been spent trying to grow to become a woman that others could look up to: somebody that could influence and contribute to the lives of others and who others can grow and learn from. For the most part, it was with good intentions. I wanted to help others grow in their encounters with Christ, and it was for those reasons that I made ministry, career, and life decisions that I did. Yet, there is a part of me knows I felt good feeling like I could contribute to the lives of others. I enjoy feeling useful and like using my skills, my talents, and my knowledge to bless others.

Here in Malawi, I can’t do any of that. I’m an oddity.

Not only do I stand out incredibly as an azungu (white person), I don’t have children, I have no husband, I can’t speak the local language, I can’t cook ugali (the staple food) using a charcoal fire, I don’t wash my clothes by hand, I don’t know how to farm and grow maize, I can’t tie a baby on my back, and I can’t balance a huge bucket of water on my head. I know nothing about living life out here. As a Malawian woman, I pretty much fail in every way.

It is in these moments of being stripped away of all my abilities, my accolades, my giftings, my education — these things that were affirmed in me when I was back in the States but mean absolutely nothing here in Malawi –- that I’m truly able to reflect upon the question: Where do I find my worth?

I often feel like I have nothing of myself to contribute to the lives of the people out here, but I realize that’s exactly what God wanted me to experience in order to be set free into the truth of who I am.

In those many moments where I feel like an absolute nobody, I hear God say to me, “You are so precious to me because you’re MINE.” That’s it. It’s not my usefulness. It’s not my contributions to society. It’s not my ability to inspire, impact, and transform. Even in my absolute lack in all these areas, I am a delight to the Father.

As I’m out here longer and longer, I see how Christ continues to move and make His name known with the people here, in spite of my absolute inadequacies. I’m surprised around every corner when people are changed and transformed as I do less and less. I think that’s the way God really wants it. Having those things removed that I deemed worthy and rather letting my identity be found in God alone allows Christ to shine all the more.

I am grateful to be in a place and season where all I once held dear becomes meaningless so that I can find my worth in the rightful places. Wherever I go next, whenever it may be, I hope that I will not hold onto my resume as an indicator of how worthy I am, but rather in the God who delights in me.

Ann Chen is an International Staff member with Epicentre Church and a student at Fuller Theological Seminary finishing up her degree in Intercultural Studies. She serves in Malawi, doing church planting amongst the Yao. Ann has a BA in Urban Studies & Planning from UCSD, a Master’s in Education, and six years’ experience teaching middle school.