Photo by koadmunkee

By Joy Wong

I have always considered myself a sensitive person, in a rather inconvenient way.  For instance, if treated brusquely by someone else, I might ruminate — for a considerably long period of time — over what I did to make that person treat me in such a way.  A mere lack of a smile, insensitive comment, or impolite manner could send me into a spiral of thoughts: Did I do something to make that person upset at me?  Should I have been more considerate in such-and-such a way?  In essence, I made it all about me.

It also used to upset me that I would get so worked up over such petty interactions. Why did I have to be so sensitive?  In my mind, I could think my way out, reasoning to myself that it might not be about me — perhaps that person was having a bad day.  But inside, my feelings were still hurt, and I could not think myself out of those feelings.

But alas, I have been cured!  The constant state of tiredness from being mom of a baby who does not allow me to sleep more than two hours at a time has blessed me with the unexpected gift of indifference.  The other day, as my husband and I were being seated at a restaurant, he said, “That waiter was kind of rude, wasn’t he?”  Ordinarily I probably would have noticed, but I responded in my groggy state, “I don’t know — I’m too tired to care.”

As much as I long for the day when I can get adequate sleep, I rather enjoy this new indifference.  I realize now that one of the reasons I used to be so sensitive to other people is because I used to try very hard to make those around me comfortable — with smiles and considerate kindness; and so when others treated me in a less-than-pleasant manner, I took it hard.  But these days, I’m often too tired, even to smile at others — and I find myself having to give myself grace during these times.  This slack in social graces actually started during my first trimester of pregnancy when I was nauseous 24/7 and extended through pregnancy, into labor, postpartum, and has extended to this day, eight months after my daughter was born.

Now when someone treats me unkindly or inconsiderately, not only am I “too tired to care,” but also I’m able to extend grace and consider the MANY reasons — that don’t have to do with me — that might cause that person to act in such a way…  and I totally understand.  

Someday, when I’m able to sleep once more, I hope that I can still have this blessed indifference bottled up and ready to use — to extend vast grace to myself, and vast grace to others.

Joy Wong is a contributing author to Mirrored Reflections: Reframing Biblical Characters, published in September 2010.  She has an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, a BA in English from Princeton University, as well as managerial experience in industrial distribution.  Joy and her family attend Northland Village Church.