Photo by julien haler

By Tina Teng-Henson

So much of my life felt thrown into greater chaos and disarray when I had a baby 9 months ago – that at first my strategy was to be super-flexible and just try to go with it. I constantly tried to accommodate everyone and everything swirling around me. But over time, I realized I was accommodating it all to a fault, and my own needs were going overlooked with painful consequences. I discovered I craved stability, permanence, and regular rhythms so I didn’t perpetually have to be thinking, “what do I need to do next?” – I would just know.

This led me to work on developing my “rule of life” (a spiritual formation tool) – a sort of trellis or scaffolding in which I could cultivate the kind of life and growth I needed and wanted. I put basic things on it, because those were things I needed to hear reinforced. Put on my contact lenses first thing in the morning to feel awake and get my day started. Have a solid quiet time during Beatrice’s first nap to feel rooted and centered in Christ and in his love. Do homework when we’re paying other people to take care of Beatrice. Don’t commit to new opportunities or responsibilities unless I’ve talked it through with my husband John first. Observe a strict Sabbath on Friday nights (for me: no hosting, simple food, do restorative activities). Ask for (and pay for) help when I really need it. This has helped me have helpful boundaries and limits – to know my reasons for saying yes or no to different invitations, demands, or requests.  I value the concept of adapting to others and being flexible, but I’m learning to put that second to pursing my personal purposes and goals first. I know that might sound ironic since I’m in ministry or possibly selfish to some, but I’m finding that when my priority list goes God, self, husband, child, other ministry – I do way better than otherwise.

But I still have a long way to go…and my rule of life is something I’m still refining and adding to, especially with regard to my body and health.

I recently came across a TED talk that gave an example of how sitting on a cushion versus a hard chair affected whether we tended to be more relaxed or rigid in how we approach situations in life. This gave me lots of food for thought as I manage the demanding physicality of being a mother to an infant and a work-from-home graduate student. I lift Beatrice’s carseat in and out of the middle spot of the backseat. I try to (and often fail to) work in an ergonomically correct position for my back, legs, and shoulders. I crawl around the floor to play hide-and-seek. I read coursework in every position I can to give different parts of my body a chance to relax. I bend over to pick up food Beatrice has thrown on the ground. I type up notes and assignments from my laptop keyboard. I nurse her lying down sometimes, sitting up at other times, sometimes stooped over more than is healthy. You get the idea.

How do I attend to and stop and notice my body and my health in daily life? How could my rule of life reflect this, because I am more naturally bent right now towards sitting crookedly, slouching, always trying to lift, carry, and shoulder too much?

For years, I have tended to operate in my head (thinking), through my eyes (reading/seeing), through my fingertips (typing), and through my lips (speaking). I’m a cerebral person who lives out of her heart much of the time. Becoming a mother has put head and heart more in touch with the rest of my body – and I desire the good news of Christ’s gospel to somehow literally touch every part of my body as well.

My theologizing needs to be grounded in my physicality as a body; I am not a disembodied soul. Could a theology of care for creation and holistic care for the body affect the position I sit in when I’m studying for class – remind me that God invites me to take rests and breaks – that I truly need to take care of my body when I’m sick? Could pregnancy, nursing, and childbearing bring me to a richer reflection on unconditional love, the parental love of God the Father, the incarnational wonder of God the Son, born of a young woman? Could my daily need for strength and comfort be named in breath prayers I whisper throughout the day for God to fill me with the Holy Spirit?

Otherwise, my back aches and I am too busy to figure out how to prevent that. Or my shoulders feel tight and I always need a quick massage. Or our bed is too small, our apartment too cramped, I sit on a too-rigid hard-backed chair.

Come, Lord Jesus. Come rescue and save all of me. My body, too – not just my mind and my heart and my soul. All of me. All my life.

Tina Teng-Henson has been blessed to learn + grow alongside so many different people, in so many places: Long Island, NY — Harvard College + the South End of Boston — Nairobi, Kenya and Lanzhou, China.  She is working towards her Master of Divinity at Fuller‘s Northern California campus.