Photo by Dhilung Kirat
By Eun Joo Angela Ryo
Last October marked my one year anniversary of completing the work required by my denomination to seek my first call for ordination. After discernment meeting after another, after interview after interview, after four grueling ordination exams, and after three long years of full-time seminary, I was finally deemed worthy to be ordained in the PCUSA provided that I find a church or organization that would ordain me into ministry. That was a year ago. For the past year, overwhelmed with the anticipation of a move that never happened, I stayed the course as a certified teacher at a youth residential facility for undocumented unaccompanied minors. Last month, I had my annual review with the advisory group of my denomination that had been primarily responsible for certifying me for ordination a year ago. After the meeting, despite the group’s encouragements and laudable remarks regarding the work I’m currently doing with the undocumented minors, I couldn’t shake off the heavy heart and a nagging sense that I’ve let everyone down including myself and God. What exactly am I called to do? Why am I not ordained yet? I felt like a wanderer, living in transition, waiting to go home, trying to placate the restlessness whirling in me like a hurricane.
Last Sunday, as I felt extremely unsure of my calling and the work I was currently doing, I attended my co-worker’s church. By the end of the worship service, I was drowning in a pool of tears — tears of mysterious nature which I could not quite exegete. Next to me sat a middle-aged African American lady, and I did something that I usually wouldn’t do at a church I’m visiting : I asked her to pray for me. She happily obliged, empathizing with me as she reflected on the uncertainties of her own future and calling. Her prayer was very moving and for some reason, I felt a strong urge to tell her afterwards, “God has put a new song in your heart!” As I was telling her this, I found myself saying, “You don’t know where to go because you will do things others have not done before. The picture isn’t clear because you are singing a new song that hasn’t been sung before!” Enthusiastically, she nodded and started to agree with me but took a step back and eyed me suspiciously and asked, “And how do you know this?” I had to admit, “I…don’t know how; I just do.”
Upon some reflection, I now realize that that message was more for me than it was for her. I was singing a new song, and it took some good time of worship and my fellow sister’s prayer for me to come to that realization. I was not quite home yet because home was yet to be built and the song was yet to be sung—I had more growing up to do. Ordination or no ordination, I was in the process of fully living into God’s beloved creation while doing the work God has granted me to do. Perhaps God still speaks through asses—and sometimes asses should listen to their own messages! It just might take them home.
Eun Joo Angela Ryo immigrated to America from Korea when she was nine. Having graduated with an MDiv from McCormick Theological Seminary in Chicago, she currently works as a full-time certified ESL teacher for undocumented unaccompanied minors at a non-profit organization under the auspices of the Office of Refuge and Resettlement. Angela has completed the pastoral ordination process in the Presbyterian Church (USA) and is currently seeking her first call for ordination.
aawolsisters.com 
My dear sister Eun Joo, Thank you for sharing these insights into your journey! Press on! Indeed, as women, and who are also of a younger generation and diverse cultural background, we ARE “singing a new song”. Others before us have opened doors and began the trail, we will continue the efforts, and so will the generations behind us. Only the brave and those whose faith and assurance of calling is grounded, will continue to remain the course. Why?, because it is grueling, it’s counter-cultural (social, religious,institutional,etc), and it’s filled with the constant attacks from our Enemy who is working hard to dissuade us from the course. In my journey, which has similarities to yours (even though I am ordained), the Lord has used two key verses to encourage me: Exodus 13:21-22 and Hebrews 11:13-16. As long as you continue to see His presence and provision even in the wilderness – you can be sure you are walking under His direction, He knows where He is taking you. The “giants” of the faith, they too walked without seeing it and receiving it all, but knew in Whom they were trusting. Lifting you up in prayer and all of us who share in your experience! May we hear in His presence: “good faithful servant”, for then, all will be worth it!
Thank you so much for your uplifting words of hope and encouragement! And thank you for your prayers. I am so grateful for the cloud of witnesses who have walked this path before me!