Photo by Treacle Tart

(Note: Below is an abridged version of the original poem.)

By Tina Teng-Henson

I bet you missed them.
Missed the constant camaraderie,
having two people right next to you,
all the time,
who always understood
what you were thinking,
always agreed about
what to do.

That seamless oneness you shared…
What did you think of your infancy?
To go from being the Word —
to being unable
to utter
a single word?

Here I am
Awake again
at 1 am

Peter: awake, hungry, now fed…
Ahh, asleep…

Now it’s Beatrice’s turn
mama…mama…mama

Peter: awake again…
More milk please
Not quite done
Down. Yes.

Beatrice, again:
mama…mama…mama

At least they’re taking turns?

The first time
through all this
with Bea,
John and I got
some marriage counseling!
It’s just the nature of the beast.
So tired,
out of normal rhythms,
missing what came before,
loving your new normal but
resenting
some of it
all the same.

No judgment
That’s just the way
it goes.

This time around,
we’re doing so much better

We want to say
we’re doing so much better

But baby Peter,
as sweet and nice a baby
as there ever was!,
is still
a baby
And sleep is going to
occasionally be funky,
so we’re going to be tired…

out of normal rhythms
missing what came before,
loving our new family of four
but maybe resenting
some of it
all the same.

No judgment
That’s just the way
it goes.

And me?
Sitting alone
at last
in the dark
doing something
just for me

with God

for you

The essay,
too exacting,
doesn’t suit
this stage of life

The poem,
right now,
is the form
for me

Fragments of thought
better than nothing
flit through my mind
captured on scraps of paper
(if I’m lucky)

So it’s the paper chase
receipts for reimbursement
library due date slips
to do lists
notes from
Sunday morning
and Sunday night
was that really just earlier this week?

Stuffed in my purse
in my pocket
in my wallet
in every compartment
folded
crumpled
waiting to be smoothed out
uncrinkled
thoughtfully mulled over

But I never
(ok – HARDLY EVER)
get to circle back
to quietly reflect
in peaceful serenity

But i’ve just pulled into
a 20 min parking spot
at our local library

and here I’ll sit.

(Hmm…Maybe this will become
my new quiet time spot!)

Defined
bracketed
helpfully
confined
in my car.
20 min.
(Except what time did I get here?
it doesn’t matter)

That’s life right now:
Have a thought
lose the thought
be bothered
that i didn’t get to act on it
take forward motion on it
but that’s just the thing…
it’s ok.

(apparently, I always generate more ideas than i can act upon)

so i can, and
i need to…just
let it go.

if i can write it down
and circle back,
great!
if i can’t…
OH WELL.

This month’s theme for this blog I write for
is
Adjustments.

Well,
this has been
quite the season
of
Adjustments.

But that’s too
nice and neat
a word for
what’s really going on.

See, bras are adjusted
so they fit right
and don’t hurt your shoulders
or your back

minor pain

(although the very idea of a bra itself can be rather irritating, but i’ll save the women’s lib soapbox for someone else and another time)

so bras are adjusted for shoulders and backs…
and backs are adjusted, too,

but that’s too small a word
for the major pain they’re adjusting!

‘Adjustments’ just doesn’t feel
encompassing enough
for what’s going on
these days
in my life…
but
What would be a better word?
I’m not sure…
i’m not thinking that clearly these days…

sometime,
soon,
i will be settled
i will feel settled

but not right now
because
now i’m done…
i’ve just gone
tired/dry/hungry.

so i’m going to go find food.

thanks for listening.

Tina Teng-Henson is the Director of Outreach and Family Ministries at First Presbyterian Church in the Silicon Valley. She has been blessed to learn + grow alongside so many different people, in so many places: Long Island, NY — Harvard College + the South End of Boston — Nairobi, Kenya and Lanzhou, China. Tina, her husband, and two children live in Santa Clara, California.