Photo by Joel Olives

By Joy Wong

In terms of “give-and-take” in relationships, this time in my life — as a full-time mom of two kids ages 3 and 1 — has definitely been a season of taking. Taking sounds easy, but for me, it’s not. I like to be the giver, the contributor, the leader — using my gifts and talents for the benefit of others. (Some may argue that I am, in fact, giving to my kids. This is true, but I am speaking in terms of my relationship with the church.)

The sin aspect of this struggle of mine to take instead of give from others is that my giving is not, and perhaps never was, completely selfless. Giving adds into my self-worth, making me feel valuable in my circles. Taking is ok too, but as long as I am giving in return.

But taking only, and giving nothing? I find that my shame takes over, turning me into a faceless nobody — and worse, a burden to those around me. It makes me shy away from community as well, as the presence of other givers accentuates the fact that I am not giving. It’s less painful to be a nobody by myself at home, than to be a nobody in the company of other somebodies.

This morning I was reminded of a time when a leader forced me to tag along with our worship team without doing anything. I felt a similar sense of shame at that time — a feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. He encouraged me by saying, “You don’t have to do anything; your mere presence makes a difference.”

Today I am reflecting on his words, and wondering to myself, Does my presence really matter? I’m challenged to see if I can somehow make it through this season of not being able to give much to the church while still having my self-worth in tact. It’s a difficult feat, but a valuable lesson, I’m sure.

Joy Wong has an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, a BA in English from Princeton University, as well as four years’ experience in industrial distribution management.  She is a contributing author to Mirrored Reflections: Reframing Biblical Characters, published in September 2010.  Joy and her husband live in Pasadena, California and attend New City Church of Los Angeles.