Photo by ms2855a

By Sarah D. Park

My mind jumped first to my darker memories when I was asked to write about gender, recognizing the ever-present concession that being a woman does not serve me well in this world. I can easily name several instances where I have experienced my gender in a negative way.

I especially dread and look forward to the prospect of marriage, having only known the dysfunction of seeing both Korean and American brand patriarchy in the marriages I saw around me between first-generation immigrants. I think about coming up against the gendered expectations of raising children and household chores conditioned into me and my partner — essentially all of it falling on my shoulders despite whatever agreements were made — and I don’t know if I have the stamina or endurance to persist in resisting it all.

I foresaw a hapless falling in step into a gender role I had internalized, fought, and would eventually succumb to out of exhaustion. So, it seemed like the only logical way I would be okay with marriage was if I found a house husband. Simply find someone who loves kids to an inordinate degree and would delight in running a clean, organized home. In all likelihood, he’d probably be second-generation Taiwanese. Definitely not Korean. Erstwhile, I’d be free to pursue my literary career, bringing in the bacon from penning bestselling novels and book signing tours.

I imagined that it would take such extreme measures to overcompensate for the insidious power of patriarchy. I took the gender binary and reversed it, because that was the most my imagination could do. But you cannot beat empire by becoming empire.

Instead, I’d love to take this opportunity to name something good about gender. Meet Irene, one of my closest friends. She showed me another way.

The Facebook announcement of her engagement to Aaron, her then-boyfriend and now-husband, seemed fairly typical. Her face has a delighted look as she holds up her left hand to show… no ring. Instead of a diamond, they decided to use that dedicated money to create a scholarship foundation, providing college funds for the beloved students at the school where they met, YouthBuild Charter.

It’s called “Education is Forever”; the logo shows an engagement ring but with the diamond sporting a graduation cap in its place. They invited their wedding guests to donate to the foundation in lieu of gifts and it has truly become a gift that keeps on giving. Since getting married a year ago, they’re looking to expand the foundation’s scope to address one of the main obstacles that prevent their students from completing their college education once they get there: homelessness. Plans are underway to purchase a multi-unit home to provide student housing at a low cost and to serve as a mutually supporting community space. We hope that this model can be scalable where other real estate investors with like-minded values can follow suit.

I say “we” because most of our friends have eagerly contributed to building this foundation with them with whatever skills, connections, and time they can offer. People from the suburbs of San Clemente to the neighborhoods of South LA are brought together because of this inspiring expression of love not just between two people; in a personal way, they’ve publicly founded their marriage on a shared love of justice and oppressed communities of color and invited others into that love as well. Their engagement ring-turned-foundation is a living reminder — rightfully demanding time, attention, and reworking — of their commitment to their values and to each other that is inextricably intertwined.

But in the aftermath, many well-wishers congratulated Aaron for such a revolutionary idea, assuming he as the man was responsible while assuming Irene had nothing to do with the scholarship. But it was Irene’s idea to begin with and clearly a joint effort, dare I say, only possible because of Irene. Even some scholarship recipients only thanked Aaron. Patriarchy couldn’t leave this alone. But I am challenged all the more as I reconsider my personal hopes and expectations for what marriage can be.

The example of my friends shows me what untapped capacity we have to reimagine what is normalized and familiar. What would it take to better envision my own potential engagement and marriage outside the binary confines of my experience? What aspects of myself, our shared bedrocks, and our communities would I intentionally incorporate? The best part is, I can’t answer these questions until I find someone willing to answer them with me. No one person getting on bended knee, but both of us getting knee-deep in the work of living out how we want to see the world changed.

If you, too, would like to be a part of Irene and Aaron’s vision, too, you can donate here.

Sarah D. Park is a story producer and a freelance writer. To her delight, most of the time, these positions are conduits for her to press an exposed nerve in the status quo.