Photo by chico945

By Angela Ryo

My dad turned 80 last month. I never thought I’d see the day my dad would turn 80, but there I was, driving to Chicago from Detroit to celebrate his 80^th birthday. He celebrated just the way he wanted:  Eating take-out Chinese food from his favorite place, surrounded by his children and grandchildren, and talking to his 88-year-old brother in Korea over the phone. My four sisters and I tried to convince him to go to a fancy restaurant, but he was adamant that all he wanted was Chinese food. We offered to take my mom and dad on a cruise for his birthday, but all he wanted was a new couch to replace the old one that was starting to fall apart. I grew frustrated that he wouldn’t let us do anything nice for his birthday. But then, I took a step back and thought about how his 80^th birthday was a true reflection of the frugal and practical person he has always been. He was celebrating his life true to the person he had become in the last 80 years of his life, regardless of whether it made his children happy or not.

I just turned 43 this year. As I get older, I realize that my decisions are based on the person I have become rather than circumstantial considerations. What I say and do is no longer carefully measured and monitored — it’s an outflow of who I am. In Thomas Merton’s words, “What we must become is what we already are.” I realize more and more that aging is much like sculpting — or at least sculpting according to Michelangelo. He once commented that every block of stone has a statue inside it, and it is the task of the sculptor to discover its true form. As wrinkles populate around my eyes and white hair cover my head, I pray that my true self would become more pronounced and my inside would completely match the outside. I found Richard Rohr’s explanation on this topic in his book, Falling Upward, very helpful:

“In the second half of the spiritual life, you are not making choices as much as you are being guided, taught, and led — which leads to “choiceless choices.”  These are the things you cannot NOT do because of what you have become, things you do not need to do because they are not yours to do, and things you absolutely must do because they are your destiny and your deepest desire. Your driving motives are no longer money, success, or the approval of others. You have found your sacred dance.

Now your only specialness is in being absolutely ordinary and even “choiceless,” beyond the strong opinions, needs, preferences, and demands of the first half of life. You do not need your “visions” anymore; you are happily participating in God’s vision for you.

With that, the wonderful dreaming and the dreamer that we were in our early years have morphed into Someone Else’s dream for us. We move from the driver’s seat to being a happy passenger, one who is still allowed to make helpful suggestions to the Driver. We are henceforth “a serene disciple,” living in our own unique soul as never before, yet paradoxically living within the mind and heart of God, and taking our place in the great and general dance.”

So, what are your “choiceless choices?”

Angela Ryo currently serves as the Assistant Pastor for Christian Formation at Kirk in the Hills in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. She enjoys taking long walks, reading, listening to NPR, and drinking good coffee with friends and strangers alike.