Photo by The Wandering Angel

By Wendy Choy-Chan

I got the news of the sudden passing of my cousin. He was just a few years older than me, but his children are still very young, the littlest twins are only around two years old. He always posted pictures of his four children on Facebook, of family outings or just them hanging out in the house. It’s hard to believe that he’s gone, just like that.

After the shock somewhat settled, I wondered what I should do — call my dad to let him know of the news, buy a card to send to my aunt and uncle and also my cousin’s wife, which means I need to find out their addresses… what else? And a little voice came up: “Mourn”, but it got dampened by other thoughts — What should I write in the cards? What words (as if there would be any) could convey my condolences and give the family comfort and peace?  The little voice came up again: “Mourn”, but I don’t have time — I have a class to go to in the morning, an oil change appointment in the afternoon, not to mention the other items on my to-do list for today, which I had planned out yesterday before my cousin had the heart attack that would take his life and disrupt mine today.

Mourning sounds so passive and negative. Shouldn’t I be doing something to help me move forward, instead of being stuck in the past? Shouldn’t I think of something to do for my cousin’s family instead of just thinking of him? Isn’t mourning a sign of weakness when I should be with hope and faith?

It takes courage to mourn. It takes courage to admit that I don’t know how to move forward. It takes courage to say that nothing I do right now can help the family feel better. It takes courage to acknowledge that I am weak and I don’t have the faith needed to see the hope in this situation. It takes courage to mourn because in mourning, I am exposing my limitations, my doubts and my pain. It is easier to think of something to do, to tackle my to-do list, as if life goes on as usual, as if I have control over life.

But, the voice came again: “Mourn.”

Yes, mourning is passive, but only passive in a sense that I am relying on God to work beyond my limitations, to help my unbelief, and to heal my pain. Mourning is also active — active in choosing to let go of my control (or thinking that I have control).

Yes, mourning is negative, the pain that gives way to anger, and the doubts that darken the road ahead; but mourning is also positive, because “blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted“ (Matt 5:4).

So I took some time flipping through old photo albums, to remember my cousin. We didn’t live in the same city, except for one brief year when we were both on the same college campus. But I had fond memories of him, during the occasional visits of his and mine in Hong Kong, Syracuse, and Toronto. I remember — when we were in our young teen years — his funky, way-too-big-for-his-face sunglasses, and the let’s-stack-on-top-of-each-other game we played with other cousins.  I remember he was my “big cousin” whom I could count on, seek advice from, and share my worries with.

And then, I took some time regretting not staying closer in touch after I moved back to the West coast, but thanking social media for connecting us still. And finally, I spent some time with God asking Him what would happen to his family, begging God to show mercy to his wife and children and to send them comfort and peace.

I also called my dad and bought some sympathy cards. I didn’t finish everything on my to-do list, but that’s ok. It is important for me to mourn. It takes courage to mourn, it feels uncomfortable to face my limitations, doubts and pain, but in mourning, the One who is beyond my limitations, doubts and pain is here to comfort and encourage me.

My dear cousin, I love you and I miss you!

Wendy Choy-Chan came to North America from Hong Kong when she was 15. After graduating with a MScE, she worked as a telecommunications engineer for a few years before becoming a full-time mom. She earned her MA in Theology at Fuller Theological Seminary in 2016, and is now serving with Becoming What God Intended Ministries. Despite living in the coffee capital (Seattle), Wendy enjoys scouting out tea shops with her husband and two daughters.