Photo by Wendy Darling

By Diana Kim

“Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.”
-Proverbs 10:19
“Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” -Proverbs 21:23

“Why are you so abrasive?” “You should present yourself in a calmer demeanor.” “Watch what you say.” “Watch how you say it.” I have been on the receiving end of these words numerous times during my short stint in ministry. There are plenty of people who will see me as being aggressive and confrontational with an “in your face” approach. This is me. This is what I have learned and who I have become during my time in ministry; as a young female pastor, this is what has been required of me, that I might be taken seriously.

Growing up in an Asian household, I learned the expected gender roles and put them into practice; as a female, I was submissive, well-mannered, helpful, and quiet. I was (at least I think) the ideal daughter, sister, granddaughter, and niece. But as I grew into my own, there was a sense of rebellion inside of me, as a part of me wanted to continue following the gender role I had mastered, while another part of me wanted to be more expressive and outgoing, to be free from the restraints. High school and college were quite formative in my development of the aggressive and confrontational person I am today; ministry ensured this identity.

As a young woman in a church filled with older male pastors and elders, I had to learn to navigate my own way around the sea that is ministry. While water is life-giving, the waves can be perilous as it can crash on you and drag you down into the darkness. So is ministry: it can be so life-giving and spirit-filling, but if you are not careful it can be a source of heartache (and even physical ache). I had to learn my way out on the sea as a means of survival.

While this may look different for everyone, for me this required the development of thick skin and a booming voice. I had to set aside my ability to refrain and adopt assertiveness. If I was to be taken seriously — to be recognized and appreciated as a pastor of the church and not just a glorified babysitter who watched the kids while the parents were in worship or Bible Study — I had to put aside the expected gender role and demand to be seen, heard, and known. And so I became more assertive, even brazen. I refused to be quiet and submissive, being overlooked and undervalued; I refused to let my ministry and its needs go unnoticed. And so I loosened my restraints and began to speak out, which made many of the male leaders of the church uncomfortable.

This doesn’t mean I am unable to hold my tongue. There have been plenty of times when I donned the calm and submissive female role and held my tongue, refraining myself from making comments or speaking out against someone’s thoughts. However, this proves to be a challenge for me. Am I so far gone that my temperance is lacking? Does temperance help women in ministry or is it a “virtuous” means for men to keep us in our submissive gender role?

In my own insufficiencies as an aggressive, loud-mouthed, hot-headed young female pastor, I understand that temperance is necessary. (Lord knows I can use more of it.) But I also acknowledge that there is a time and a place for such restraint and a time for some assertiveness. There may be times when holding my tongue and/or refraining myself is the best choice, but there are also times when I cannot keep my mouth shut and I must say something. To be out on the waters, I must know when to hold to the restraints and when to release them.

Diana Kim is a youth pastor of a local Korean church in Torrance, CA. Her primary goals in serving are to teach and equip the next generation to be passionate for Jesus and to live out His passion and care for the world. Diana is currently a PhD student at Fuller Theological Seminary and is majoring in Christian Ethics. Her current research area of interest is Asian American feminist ethics.