Photo by Holly Lay

By Wendy Choy-Chan

Pride — self-satisfaction, can be a virtue or a vice, depending on what lies behind.

I used to take pride in my work, because…
Once I forgot to bring a textbook to school, and my teacher questioned if I would amount to anything.
So, I worked really hard, to prove to her that I was worth something.

I used to take pride in my talents, because…
Once I let my teammates down in a school basketball game, and the captain said to me, “You can’t do anything!”
So, I quit basketball and made sure I only participated in areas of my talents, to prove to her that I was capable.

My pride, my self-satisfaction
(the truth being) not because I was satisfied of who I was or what I did,
but because of how insignificant I thought of me, of how little worth I saw in me.
I needed to take pride in myself because I was ashamed of myself.
I felt proud to be seen, to be affirmed, to be praised;
to prove to my teacher, to my captain that I was worth something, that I was capable.

When I became a Christian, God became that teacher, that captain, that someone whom I needed to prove to — I am worth Your love, I won’t let You down.

Then…
He showed me my shame (it took great courage and humility on my part to accept it).
Where as I looked at it with reproach and disgust, He embraced it with love.
He showed me His affection and acceptance (He is not my teacher, He is not my captain, but my loving Father).
He took away my shame, and gave me His love.

Now…
My pride, my self-satisfaction comes not from shame but love —
My Father knows me and He loves me — the real me, the me who forgets things, the me who cannot play basketball.
I no longer have to prove my worth to my Father God, because He has already proven His love to me.
My pride, my self-satisfaction
because I am me and I am loved.

Wendy Choy-Chan came to North America from Hong Kong when she was 15. After graduating with a MScE, she worked as a telecommunications engineer for a few years before becoming a full-time mom. She earned her MA in Theology at Fuller Theological Seminary in 2016, and is now serving with Becoming What God Intended Ministries. Despite living in the coffee capital (Seattle), Wendy enjoys scouting out tea shops with her husband and two daughters.