Photo by Vinoth Chandar

By Angela Ryo

I’ve developed a wonderful habit in the last several months: when someone asks me how I’m doing, and I can feel the genuineness of the question, I pause and dig deep inside myself to give an honest reply. Often times I say, “Hmmm how AM I doing? Let me see. Can you hold on a sec?” I love these moments because it gives me an excuse to pause and check where I am and how I’m really feeling.  And I know the other person is expecting nothing less than an honest reply from me. Sadly, these moments don’t come by often; many of the “how-are-yous” are mere polite questions to fill the void. I also realize that I’m making myself quite vulnerable by expressing how I’m really feeling to what could have been a superficial question. But then again, aren’t we always risking something of tremendous worth and value when we tell our truth? Truth is definitely not cheap or easy.

I’ve come to recognize that my feelings don’t lie. I used to think that there were good and bad feelings: Happy good; sad bad. Contentment good; anger bad. My goal was to feel as many good feelings as possible and ignore the bad ones — after all, what we don’t feed dies, right? Unfortunately, I realized that feelings don’t die either. They get repressed and express themselves in inappropriate ways at the most unexpected moments. I had to stop judging my feelings and instead give them voice and listen to them because they were trying to tell me something — something important and valuable about myself and my life. When I recognized feelings as messengers rather than a reflection of my morality or character, I was able to stop labeling my feelings as good or bad and finally live out my truth.

Growing up in an Asian American family that didn’t really encourage expression or exploration of emotions, it wasn’t easy for me to be curious about my feelings and recognize them as useful. After all, we live in a society that demands hardcore truth, not some wishy-washy feelings. From an early age, I was taught to mistrust and dismiss my feelings whether I was at home, school or church. No place was ever safe for true feelings to come out. That’s why when I read Marc Brackett’s book, Permission to Feel, I was excited about his RULER method.  RULER is an evidence-based approach for integrating social and emotional learning into schools, developed at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. R stands for recognizing, U is for understanding, L is for labeling, E is for expressing, and R is for regulating emotions. When we can recognize, understand, label, express and regulate our emotions, we become better learners, teachers, pastors, and human beings.

I love this poem by William Stafford:

Ask Me

Some time when the river is ice ask me
mistakes I have made. Ask me whether
what I have done is my life. Others
have come in their slow way into
my thought, and some have tried to help
or to hurt: ask me what difference
their strongest love or hate has made.

I will listen to what you say.
You and I can turn and look
at the silent river and wait. We know
the current is there, hidden; and there
are comings and goings from miles away
that hold the stillness exactly before us.
What the river says, that is what I say.

“Ask me whether what I have done is my life.” When was the last time you asked that question? If you were to stop and listen to your life what would it say? If you were to stop and listen to your feelings buried deep within, what would be your truth?

Angela Ryo currently serves as the Associate Pastor for Christian Formation at Kirk in the Hills in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. She enjoys taking long walks, reading, listening to NPR, and drinking good coffee with friends and strangers alike.