Photo by Juliana Coutinho

Aristotle named “Friendship” as one of the virtues that we should strive to have. He described three levels of friendship – friendship for the sake of utility, friendship for the sake of pleasure, and friendship for the sake of the pursuit of good.

In life, we have all three levels of friendship, and sometimes we advance from one level to the next when circumstances allow.

I met my best friend in college. Our friendship started at the utility level, not that I befriended her because she was useful to me, but we were staying in the same apartment complex one summer and together with other friends, we would do dinner potluck almost every night so that we each only had to make one dish. This dinner group remained as long as we were committed to spending dinner time together, but fell apart once fall term came and everyone was busy at school.

However, as my best friend and I got to know each other, we advanced to the next level of friendship where we found pleasure in talking to each other and doing things together. This level of our friendship was sustained by the pleasant emotions that we felt in our activities together. The next level, friendship for the sake of the pursuit of good, was reached when we realized that we enjoyed the “who” we have in each other more than the “what” we do with each other, and we became best friends.

If there are three levels of friendship with people, are there also three levels of friendship with God? I think so. There are those who seek God because God gives them good gifts. They may even view this friendship as a business relationship; they will do certain things to appease God (eg. serve in church, pray more often) so that God will bless them. There are also those who seek God because God makes them feel good, giving them a sense of joy and peace; but when troubles come, they may ask if God is really for them. Then, there are those, like Job, whose friendship with God is based on who God is and not what God does or does not do.

As I reflect on these three types of friendship, I think to myself, Sure, I put effort in the relationship, but does my friendship with my best friend and with God mature by me practicing and forming the habit and thus attaining such a virtue? [Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics, Book II] Or is it first and foremost the grace of God? By grace, I don’t mean the gift of willpower so that we are able to work on and attain the virtue of friendship, through thick and thin. By grace, I mean the gift of love of the Father that is poured out to us; by grace, I mean the gift of Jesus Christ who has reconciled us to God; by grace, I mean the gift of the Spirit who turns our hearts to God and binds us to Him in love.

When we are in love (not in loving, but in being loved by the Triune God), we will see God beyond a friend of usefulness, a friend who makes us feel good, to a friend who is “good” in Himself — He is for us, with us and in us. And His love also overflows, spreading and growing other friendships, like mine with my best friend. It was, after all, not my effort and practice, nor hers, that made our friendship bloom. Without the love of God, I would still be curved inward (Augustine’s concept of incurvates), unable to love and truly be friends with God or any other.

Wendy Choy-Chan came to North America from Hong Kong when she was 15. After graduating with a MScE, she worked as a telecommunications engineer for a few years before becoming a full-time mom. She earned her MA in Theology at Fuller Theological Seminary in 2016, and is now serving with Becoming What God Intended Ministries. Despite living in the coffee capital (Seattle), Wendy enjoys scouting out tea shops with her husband and two daughters.