Photo by Frédérique Voisin-Demery

By Liz Chang

For starters, my mind first goes to the fact that we all long for connection. We crave a sense of belonging, to be loved and accepted for who we are. When we feel accepted and loved, our fears of inadequacy and unlovability dissipate. And what a pleasure it is to make a new friend—to get along with someone and to feel a connection with them.

This intuitive relational connection is more emotional than it is rational. It is more cooperative than it is aggressive. And, it is more responsive than it is demanding. Perhaps it is more yin (feminine) than it is yang (masculine) (see Young Lee Hertig’s recent book, The Tao of Asian American Belonging: A Yinist Spirituality, p. 9). Such feminine qualities are an integral part of the way we begin and grow our relationships, especially the ones in which we experience empathy, vulnerability, and compassion.

And, these feminine qualities can at times be reduced to sexual charm (Hertig, 151). In her book, Hertig asks the important question, “Why are feminine qualities reduced to sexual charm?” I don’t claim to have the answers, but my best guess thus far is that perhaps feminine traits promote emotional connection and that can be confused with sexual allure. Perhaps charm is a quality born out of the feminine traits that draw people to desire a connection with the charmer. And, perhaps that desire for connection can be confused or blended with sexual allure.

I am shocked every time I hear a story about a therapist who became sexually involved with their client. Yet, I am not surprised. And, there are not gendered exceptions to this ethical breach; male and female therapists have both been guilty of crossing this boundary. Along with the problems of having a power differential and a breach of emotional boundaries in the therapeutic relationship, there is also the issue of relational trauma that is enacted in this boundary crossing between therapist and client.

In working with clients, a major part of the therapist’s role is to create emotional safety and to build rapport with the client in a way that promotes reflection, vulnerability, honesty, opportunity for change, and growth. Therapy is a space in which an individual, a couple, or a family’s secrets, fears, aspirations, and struggles are named and put out in the open. It is an immensely sacred and intimate experience that is full of the feminine qualities of cooperation, response, intuition, and synthesis. In the therapy room, there is a presence of love, kindness, and care that encourages emotional openness. And, if a therapist is not self-aware and responsibly seeking supervision regarding their own emotional boundaries, the client’s emotional vulnerability can trigger sexual attraction in the therapeutic relationship.

In a society of hyper-sexuality and sexual shame, there is a need for a new interpretation of that which is yin. Rather than feminine qualities quickly being reduced to sexual charm, there must be room for genuine emotional connection and belongingness in relationships. Rather than a fight for power, control, and success through the misuse of human sexuality, there must be room for harmony, integrity, achievement, and authentic human relationships.

I suppose this is where we would get into talking about assertiveness, boundaries, and taking a critical lens to look at our culture in order to take measures towards personal and systemic change…

How do you express these yin/feminine qualities in relationships?

Where do you hold boundaries between sexual charm, charm, and authentic connection?

Liz Chang is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and works with individuals, couples and families at a group private practice in Manhattan (Holding Hope Marriage and Family Therapy, https://www.nyc-couples-therapy.com/). Liz has enjoyed experiencing life in the midwest and the pacific northwest during her young adulthood. She studied Marriage and Family Therapy at Seattle Pacific University and misses Seattle’s beautiful summer months. Liz is a Korean-American born and raised in New York City where she and her husband now reside. They enjoy going for walks, exploring new neighborhoods, cooking, traveling, playing spikeball, and watching their cats be cute (Instagram @bennyslyf).