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It is a proven fact that opposites attract. It’s also proven that when opposites marry, life can be challenging. Staying safe at home” as a married couple can be oxymoronic. Work and life under quarantine have tested my marital safety the past six weeks.

Each day begins with a “Good morning” but soon morning becomes not good. Work used to mean we spent our days in separate offices. Now we are both working at home in a shared space smaller than our offices. Loss of personal space brings frustrations that turn into anger.

In Young Hertig’s book, The Tao of Asian American Belonging, her ninth chapter talks about anger as one of five power levels in relationship to Asian American women. Dr. Hertig notes that “multiple marginalities alienate us in our homes, churches, and workplaces. Without a name, Asian American women are apt to be theological and cultural orphans.” She further recognizes that in areas of Christian leadership, Asian American women need to feel anchored in their identity, integrity, and call to then be able to engage in the discussion of power dynamics amidst the many divergent voices.

I celebrate Lela Lee, a Korean American actress, cartoonist, wife, and mother of two sons as her work reached 25 years. Lee created Kim, the Angry Little Asian Girl in response to her observations that Asian women, and women in general, were not allowed to be angry. In a Spectrum News interview, Lee told them, “I feel my work has helped give women a piece of art to use as a talisman to say they are also angry and to speak up for what is bothering them.” Lee’s work empowered women to find their voice. When women are able to express things that bother them, they then diffuse triggered emotions by giving voice to their disappointments before anger arises.

Anger is managed differently by men and women. As men tend to be more aggressive or impulsive in their expressions of anger, women tend to be more indirect. Women also tend to walk away from a situation when they get angry, or worse, close off a relationship because their anger does not allow them to resolve the conflict. (Incidentally, dealing with anger directly is best for one’s health.)

Learning the cause of anger helps women to be more assertive to address issues and voice their feelings for action. Creating constructive activity is better than destructive behaviors that are aggressive or violent. It was important for me to learn and affirm what causes anger. I learned my anger comes from the inability to articulate disappointment or frustration. In recognizing these signs, I can instead process my feelings verbally instead of acting out or transferring them to others with destructive behaviors. I can employ anger as a warning to choose a better response and bring changes to the situation.

I grew up defining anger as a negative emotion. However, I’ve since learned that anger is not bad behavior. In a healthy way, anger can lead to positive changes. Change agents like Martin Luther King, Jr. and Nelson Mandela are remembered for expressing anger in ways that moved a cause forward.

Previously when I could not express myself, the easier route was to cry before getting angry. But instead of crying, I’ve learned to employ breathing exercises or mindfulness that helps process emotions. Taking a mental break allows data to come together to articulate my experiences. This creates ideas for change instead of negative behaviors.

Back at home, I permitted myself to first self-identify in caring for problems of our small office. Once identified, I can diffuse the pent-up energy to then put into words what happened. This allows me the emotional awareness to move toward a healthier conclusion rather than to take actions that I might regret later, like a wrong accusation or an angry outburst.

Spiritually, prayer can also be helpful in processing anger. Prayer allows me to invite the Holy Spirit to embody the emotions, as a Counselor and Helper. Spirit-led direction enables safety in God’s boldness to act in a worthy manner. I am then able to manage anger and live in the spirit of Romans 12:12 — “to rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, faithful in prayerful action.” With that, life again is safe at home. How do you express your anger?

Rev. Melanie Mar Chow serves God through Asian American Christian Fellowship, the campus ministry division of the Japanese Evangelical Missionary Society (JEMS). She has been an ordained American Baptist minister since 2004. A Pacific Northwest native, she currently lives with her husband and daughter in Southern California.