By oatsy40

By Joy Wong

For most of my life, anger was something I wanted to avoid — whether in others, or in myself. I loathed angry outbursts, hurtful words or threats, slamming doors, etc. It all seemed scary and destructive to me, so I never wanted the same things to happen in myself. If ever I did get angry, I’d do my best to keep it inside; at most, I would cry.

As a hospital chaplaincy intern, seeing anger in patients or my fellow chaplains instinctually made me want to run and hide. I remember my supervisor’s tip: whenever he encountered an angry patient, he would remind himself, This is not about me, this is not about me, this is not about me… Then he challenged us to acknowledge the anger, rather than to react to it. A starting point would have been stating, “You seem angry.”

I have always kept these tips in mind though executing them is still hard. However, these days, it’s hard to avoid angry outbursts, especially from my own kids! As much as I’d love to run into a closet and hide, I can’t. Lots of times, I suggest taking away the thing that is causing the anger, whether it be to take a break from the homework that is so frustrating, or to clean up the toy that is causing difficulty, etc.

Interestingly enough, my kids don’t seem to want to avoid their own anger the way I want to! When I suggest taking a break from homework or putting aside a frustrating toy, they insist (in their angry way) that No, they want to keep trying! This insistence is still accompanied by emotional, out-of-control impulses of flailing arms and legs, kicking and throwing things, falling on the floor in distress, loud and long seemingly endless screaming fits, etc. While I sit with my kids in this state, I often think to myself, Is this really worth it? To keep trying when it causes them this much distress? Let’s just give it a break and come back to it later!

But whereas I would have long given up on the frustrating activity, I’ve noticed that after a LONG angry outburst, my kids calm down, and then go back to that same activity that caused them anger to begin with. And usually this time around, with calm and a sound mind again, they are able to accomplish what they couldn’t accomplish before, or give another try at an assignment, usually ending with their success.

My conclusion is that perhaps I need to change my own views on anger. Instead of seeing it as destructive and something to be avoided or a sign to quit, perhaps I need to see anger as something to be persevered through — a necessary step towards accomplishing something challenging. I have hope that because my kids seem to be able to persevere through their anger, that they can and will accomplish more than I can. I also have hope that if I can learn from my kids, then perhaps I can overcome obstacles regarding anger that have hindered me in the past. With a shift in perspective and by the grace of God, I hope to be able to persevere and take courage in the face of the anger that used to cause terror in me: to acknowledge, to accept, and to move forward.

Joy Wong has an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, a BA in English from Princeton University, as well as four years’ experience in industrial distribution management.  She is a contributing author to Mirrored Reflections: Reframing Biblical Characters, published in September 2010.