By Diana Kim

As a single woman in ministry, I have struggled with loneliness for many years, even considering and accepting it as a vocational hazard. There seems to be very few people I can truly be open and honest with, as my opening up to them can seem like venting and complaining (which, sometimes it is), and make me sound ungrateful for the opportunities I’ve been given. The pastoral hat I wear seems to hide the fact that I am human, capable of feeling lonely; perhaps it is because people often imagine pastors to constantly be with others that pastors suffering through loneliness doesn’t seem to be possible, or perhaps it’s because we are “one with God” that pastors are expected to never feel lonely.

I consider myself a strong, independent woman who can rely on herself, but it doesn’t help that people oversimplify me as independent, ignoring the fact that I am still human, created to be in community with other human beings. My independence has been used — by myself and others — to justify loneliness as something I have chosen for myself. As a ministry leader, it is more often that I ask others how they are doing, and rarely am I asked the question in return, at least in a way where the other person is actually granting me the space to let them know exactly how I am doing. This practice has become normalized, seeping into other aspects of my life, where I am unable to genuinely share with others, sometimes even my own family members, how I am doing or what I am struggling with.

Add to this my own insecurities about actually reaching out to others, not just out of fear or judgment, but fear of bothering the other person or disrupting their schedule and rhythm: “I’m sure they don’t need me to add to their own worries and concerns. They already have so much on their plate.” Others will make me feel guilty, saying that independence is a gift; this is often followed by comments about how nice it is to be alone or how being alone is better than being in a toxic relationship; I shouldn’t complain about the opportunity I have with my independence. 

With the need to social distance and stay away from public spaces amidst COVID-19, the loneliness has effervesced. I now isolate myself not out of social preference but out of social responsibility by staying home rather than meeting friends for coffee or a quick catch-up session. When the opportunity to connect with friends does arise, it is often through conference calls or social media; however, zoom fatigue has hit me so hard that I sometimes abhor the idea of socializing, even with friends and family, on this platform that consumes so much of my time and energy on a daily basis.

Considering the ongoing stress of the pandemic, work, and personal life, I want to be sympathetic towards friends and not bother them and will avoid reaching out to them, thinking that I am doing them a favor, all the while suffering through loneliness alone; my consideration of them ultimately makes me suffer. This pandemic has perpetuated loneliness.

The “answers” I find online regarding loneliness don’t necessarily help. Christian blog posts about women suffering through loneliness that remind women “as long as you have Jesus, you are never alone” don’t help my situation. Sermons about God’s purpose for loneliness don’t help my situation. If anything, they make me feel worse. I know that Jesus is with me. I know that this is a time for molding and growth. I know that there are benefits to being by myself. I know that Christ will never abandon me, but as a human creature, I also know that I am created to be social, to be with others.

But there seems to be very few ways to avoid this feeling of loneliness. And with the pandemic, there are even fewer. So how do I approach loneliness? Do I approach it head on? Do I take the good and leave the bad? Do I welcome it as an old friend? Is it an enemy to be avoided? Do I see loneliness as a new adventure? Do I give in to it as inevitable?

Diana Kim is a pastor of a local Korean church in Torrance, CA. Her primary goals in serving are to teach and equip the next generation to be passionate for Jesus and to live out His passion and care for the world. Diana is currently a PhD student at Fuller Theological Seminary and is majoring in Christian Ethics. Her current research area of interest is Asian American feminist ethics.