By Melanie Mar Chow

As a college student of psychology, I often found myself visiting the library to find useful articles to navigate the abnormalities of the changing pace of life.  I knew that four years would pass quickly.  I needed to find some idea of a career path in college, or else I would not know where to go next. I appreciated having at my fingertips friends in the field of psychology who brought insights. Those same spurts of seeking still happen, but now on the internet looking for psychological and spiritual input. 

To write about denial, I sought to review psychological articles. I have been pondering the realization that we might be with this pandemic situation for a longer time, as much as I deny it.  As I delved into articles, I learned something interesting about denial.  

Denial can be a way of coping that provides some time to adjust to new distressing, unfamiliar, or uncomfortable situations.  “How do you feel the day went?” is a common question in our family dinners.  When the answer to the question is “I feel Egyptian,” other members know the person needs space.  That answer also invites special care from the family, at minimum a listening ear and a hot cup of Earl Grey tea. 

Why Egyptian?  That reference comes from the old school quote, “Denial is not just a river in Egypt.” In that statement is a play on the words referencing the Nile river, slang as Da Nile. Egyptian becomes a metaphor for someone who is in denial of their current status. 

One positive way I learned from reading about denial is that it can be a liminal space to pause and find protection by pausing to ponder the truth about an event or situation one is facing and then move forward.  Being in that space can allow processing to begin with first gaining a healthy way to cope rather than avoid it or hope someone would make this situation disappear. 

The saying “denial as an Egyptian river” also reminded me of another saying, “getting into hot water”.  When I was young, my mom often would draw a bath to signify the end of her day.  Some days she would be in her bath longer or shorter.  When some of my days unfold in stories of something painful, overwhelming, or even involving danger, I respond by thinking I need to take a bath.  Baths offer time to sit in hot water (literally and physically) to offer calm to be ready to take on the issues and move forward.  

When the heat of the water cools, two things happen.  I realize I need to get out because of two things:  1) my skin gets that weird, wrinkled look or gets dried, or 2) being the Seattle girl, staying in too long the water gets too cold.  Most times, I leave bath time with some great perspective from reading or praying.  When I asked my mom, she said that baths better prepare us to sleep.  I see that sometimes bathing helps wash off my day, ready to move toward recovery in sleep. 

Getting out of the tub also brings awareness of the truth that denial is a self-protecting behavior.  Yes, there is a danger of staying in denial.  Jeremiah 6:14 reads “they dress the wound of my people as though it were not serious. ‘Peace, peace’, they say when there is no peace (NIV).”  When people have pain, giving a band-aid is temporary. Worse is to misdiagnose pain as a simple headache.  Moving past denial brings healing. Denial as a positive pause is a superficial treatment.  Healing comes from making sure it is truly a “pause” and not a permanent “stop”.  That is, by acknowledging the truth of the situation.  

My heart is troubled in this pandemic season that we are neglecting our times with the Lord.  If we are not caring for our hearts and souls, we have little to give.  I hope to model the importance of making time to see God is indeed in control and to demonstrate that He can be trusted to help us move past denial safely.

Many examples in the Bible tell us about spending too much time in self-preservation or self-protection instead of moving to times to trust God.  For sure, I would not deny my sins as that is destructive behavior, though that temptation is present.  I am grateful for having relationships with friends that ask me about my current location in life (Egypt?) so that I can be that help for others to find life with a better reality. 

Beloved, although I was very eager to write to you about our common salvation, I found it necessary to write appealing to you to contend for the faith that was once for all delivered to the saints. (Jude 1:3)

Rev. Melanie Mar Chow serves God through Asian American Christian Fellowship, the campus ministry division of the Japanese Evangelical Missionary Society (JEMS). She has been an ordained American Baptist minister since 2004. A Pacific Northwest native, she currently lives with her husband and daughter in Southern California.