By Liz Chang

Conflict is uncomfortable. Sometimes people embrace it and dive right into it gracefully or combatively. Other times, people do everything they can to avoid it or prevent it. 

Conflict can exist in all dimensions of life; it can occur internally within oneself, it can occur externally in one’s relationships, in one’s community, in one’s workplace, in one’s larger social environment, and it can occur at a distance from one’s world — a distance that may or may not ripple back to one’s own thoughts, feelings, worldview and experiences of day-to-day life. 

We can live with a wide range of awareness towards these conflicts, and can at times settle into living with the conflicts without much further reflection, intention, or motivation to see about facing those conflicts.

Entitlement. Fear. Survival. Those are a few of the words I associate with keeping conflicts at a distance.

When I get comfortably settled into my seat on the couch, the last thing I want to do is get right back up again to do my husband a favor… let alone get up to do something for myself. When we get comfortable in our present setup in life, is it possible that the last thing we want to do is get up and face another challenge for ourselves or for those around us?

And yet, conflict exists.

It’s inevitable that conflict exists in life — internal, interpersonal, or in the world around us. Conflict is unsettling. It brings up distress and makes room for uncertainty, worries, frustrations, resentments, among several other unpleasant feelings. So, why even bother when I can stay here on my couch at a comfortable distance?

Humility. Compassion. Growth. These are a few of the words I associate with facing conflict in gracious ways. 

When we have a sense of entitlement in our position of privilege and are so comfortable in our distance from issues of injustice in the world around us, the idea of engaging with those issues can lead to feelings such as discomfort, annoyance, or disgust — all of which reflect some degree of distress in the body. When we are so afraid to face conflict, afraid that things will snowball into an escalating problem, afraid to face potential awkwardness or hurt feelings, we exist in a situation that is full of distress. Fear is tied to distress in our bodies, and that makes it hard to think clearly and communicate in ways that are not defensive, aggressive, or passive. Survival mode is our learned way of getting by in the midst of distress. When we are consumed by our current methods of survival, to face conflict can seem impossible, beyond our reach, and pointless. 

Entitlement. Fear. Survival.

And yet, another way to face conflict is that of humility, compassion, and a desire for growth. 

With humility, we recognize that our experience of the world is not the only experience. There are alternative ways for us to relate to ourselves, others, and the world around us. With humility comes an understanding that my comfort level does not outweigh the importance of my or others’ well-being. Humility sees beyond oneself while being very well aware of oneself. Humility comes with a confidence, clarity, and peace in knowing oneself in relation to the world around. And with that awareness, not being grandiose nor ashamed.

With compassion, we are moved into action. Because to engage in facing conflict is no longer an issue of fear but rather an issue of love. To love oneself well, to love one another well, and to love the world around us well in a way that reflects God’s unconditional love. Compassion comes with boldness and awareness. It advocates for the hurt, the oppressed, and the marginalized in the face of conflict. It does not just let things be. 

With a desire for growth, we are no longer only living to survive. We recognize the ways that past methods of survival, while necessary and useful for a time, may no longer be effective. And with that awareness, we begin to learn, practice, and embrace new methods of facing conflict. These new methods no longer disconnect the mind, the heart, the soul, and the body from each other. These new methods we grow in are integrative, promoting justice and wellness within oneself, one’s relationships, and as far as our influence can reach to the world around us.

We may have learned early on in life that conflict is all bad. We may have learned that it will inevitably lead to explosive fighting and hurt feelings, that we should not engage in conflict, and that we should let things be. Conflict that is engaged in with entitlement, fear, or survival mode looks very different from conflict that is engaged in with humility, compassion, and a desire for growth. 

When I think of Christ’s example, I think of all the times he faced conflict. He faced it. He embodied humility, compassion, and a desire for growth. He envisioned and embodied a way of living that advocates for the hurt, the oppressed, and the marginalized. And, even when he himself was wronged by something someone said, he did not recoil with fear or boast with entitlement. He faced the conflict graciously.

May we find courage to navigate the uncomfortable and unfamiliar as we journey to take on more of the likeness of Christ in how we interact with ourselves, those we have relationships with, and the larger systemic contexts we live in and among.

Liz Chang is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and provides therapy for individuals, couples, and families as the owner and founder of Radiant Marriage and Family Therapy (radiantmft.com) in Seattle, WA. Liz is Korean-American, was born and raised in New York City, and now resides in Seattle where she and her husband enjoy going for walks in nature and are constantly entertained by their cats Benny and Cheez-it (Instagram @bennyslyf).