By Joy Wong
In a post this past February, I wrote about the feeling of being lost in my faith journey, having been in evangelical circles my whole life and yet now, trying to navigate and make sense of the state of evangelicalism in light of American politics. Perhaps due to the isolation that comes with sheltering at home from Covid-19 as well as being a stay-at-home mom, the state of my faith felt largely like my own personal experience. While it’s been many years since I took on ministry leadership of any kind and my main ponderings have circled around the questions of locating myself in my faith journey, in the back of my mind I’ve also wondered whether my sense of being lost in that faith journey has disqualified me from being able to confidently lead in ministry in the future.
However, this past week, I was able to catch up with a friend, and while we chatted about many things, what struck me was her own faith struggle. Although fervent before, she now said her spiritual life was virtually non-existent, and that she was fed up with Christians. She felt like she didn’t fit in anywhere; she wasn’t conservative like some of her pro-Trump evangelical friends, and yet she wasn’t liberal like others in progressive churches she had tried. When asked about her opinion about race, she answered honestly, taking a moderate approach, and was immediately shut down by those around her who argued for their own viewpoints with a fervor that made no room for listening or considering other opinions.
To be honest, hearing about the state of her faith and her feeling of not fitting in anywhere didn’t sadden me — rather, I felt rather relieved, and even a little encouraged. I thought to myself, Now I’m kind of glad I feel lost too — because I can understand her. Furthermore, we were in the same boat — neither of us wanted to give up on our faith or on God, but we felt estranged from other Christians and didn’t know how to belong anymore.
But now, I felt a sense a purpose in losing my way. My friend and I, both being lost, could keep each other company and help each other find our way forward. Furthermore, now that I’ve experienced doubts and confusion, I don’t think I’d want to follow a leader who has not struggled with the same things. I would feel more trust in a leader who has been through the same inner wrestlings as I have.
Although I no longer can see myself as a confident “know-it-all” faith leader, I am able to see myself as a part of a group in the dark, who works together to find their way forward. If this can even be considered leadership, it is not so much that I am walking in front of the group because I know the way, but rather that I am walking alongside, as a companion, struggling in the same way, while leaning on and being leaned on for hope along the journey.
It is this kind of “leadership” — which operates within me and within those who walk alongside me — that is most relevant to me now, as I wrestle with evangelicalism and finding a place to belong. Even if it doesn’t qualify to some as “leadership,” it is what is strengthening and encouraging me now, and even bringing back my joy, as I search for the way forward not alone, but with the company of others.
Joy Wong has an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, a BA in English from Princeton University, as well as four years’ experience in industrial distribution management. She is a contributing author to Mirrored Reflections: Reframing Biblical Characters, published in September 2010.
Real leaders relate. Thanks, Joy, for being true to yourself.
Grace, thank you for reading and commenting! We are truly not alone:)