By Eunhyey Lok

Those who look to the LORD are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:5 

Many years ago, my InterVarsity staff worker gave me this verse. It was one of the first times I understood that grace and acceptance apart from my effort existed. Hearing it brought me to tears because my own voice was telling me I had so much more to do in order to please God. This verse brought relief in ways I couldn’t quite grasp or articulate at the time.

It was a glimpse of the well of warmth and unconditional acceptance God had for me, communicated through a trusted mentor. A mentor who, looking back, must have seen this young woman striving mercilessly for perfection in all things, especially her relationship with God. He must have longed for her to know the vast reality of God’s unconditional positive regard for her, regardless of her performance. This drive for perfection started with parents who highlighted shortcomings in order to prepare and strengthen her for the world as they had been raised. Their approach clashed with my needs as a child who thirsted for the verbal affirmation she received at school. This mismatch created a fragility around criticism that led me to eschew failure — even in tasks I was undertaking for the first time.  I had to get it right, even if I had never done it before.

Much later, still striving, my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage during my first week of my Marriage and Family Therapy masters program. During the day, I showed up for class and a new stage of my life, mostly surviving and doing ok. At nights, however, especially when I had no assignments, I was on the floor weeping, filled with a void of grief and exhaustion. One such night, I uttered wordlessly, “God, I have nothing to offer you.”  In reply, God let me know that God didn’t care about what I had to give: God cared about me.  I wept for a different reason that night, deeply assured that God accepted me for me, and not what I could do in God’s service.

A year after I graduated, I reached another low point as an intern therapist.  My clients with suicidal thoughts were not getting better and I felt like a failure. I was aching for the camaraderie and support I had with my cohort and teachers, left only with the lack of progress I saw in my clients. It just felt too hard.

Then, at a church praise night celebrating acts of mission and calling, I knelt before God realizing that if this is what it meant to follow God, then I didn’t know if I wanted this calling.  I didn’t know if I could.  And God, again, so clearly responded, “I don’t care about your calling — I care about you.”  On the floor, weeping again, grateful for the loving acceptance driven home in my time of disappointment and grief.

Roughly a decade later, I still struggle with living my life as if God’s acceptance of me (and not my service) were a sure thing.  But these moments are magnets that tug me back toward reality: No matter what I might be feeling, I am accepted and beheld by the One. I am never covered in shame when I look to the Lord. In God’s face, I see radical acceptance of me as I am, making my face radiant.

Eunhyey Lok (eunhyeylok.com) is a spiritual director, licensed marriage and family therapist and ordained pastor who specializes in working with Asian Americans, as well as leaders of ministries and international NGOs. Eunhyey is based in Los Angeles with her husband and son, but keeps her Minnesota roots alive through frequent visits to her hometown.