- Photo by Mikko Luntiala
Posed by Joy Wong
I can be very sensitive to criticism… perhaps too sensitive. I also have a bad habit of letting praise and compliments fall to the wayside unreceived, while I tend to sniff out the slightest hint of criticism from a mile away — and I can mull over that bit of criticism for a very long time. In past ministry leadership experiences, often the combined voices of a few outer critics along with my demanding inner critic have set me on a downward spiral until I’ve convinced myself that my labor has been in vain and that it’d be better for everyone if I exited my leadership position (and this happens in spite of an abundance of praise and positive feedback). I’m glad to say that I’ve made great strides in this area in recent years, but I think I could still use some tips for growth. Is there a mantra you practice saying to yourself? A book you’d recommend? A perspective or insight that has helped?
Joy Wong has an MDiv from Fuller Theological Seminary, a BA in English from Princeton University, as well as four years’ experience in industrial distribution management. She is a contributing author to Mirrored Reflections: Reframing Biblical Characters, published in September 2010. Joy and her husband live in Pasadena, California and attend New City Church of Los Angeles.
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I take criticisms as good reminders of our human brokenness. Yes, I’m flawed, but so is the person criticizing. But this is also our power source. Remembering our brokenness and the healing power of Christ is the energy source of our ministry.
I read Henri Nouwen when I need a good reminder that we now serve others as wounded healers.
Thanks for your response! It’s a good reminder to me that my calling and qualification as a leader is not based on the approval of others or whether I meet expectations (part of the mindset of perfectionism/performance — that I need to prove myself as a leader). It’s been a journey in dismantling this faulty mindset so that I can accept the limitations of myself and others — and when I can do this, it’s very freeing. I haven’t read Nouwen’s Wounded Healer yet, but I’ll be sure to put it on my reading list. Thanks for the suggestion! -Joy
When we hear criticism, we tend to think that we are “losing” something and an essential part of our sense of self is being threatened. If we think not in terms of losing but gaining, then perhaps it would ease our reactions to criticism. What can we gain from criticism? We can gain a reality check, a different perspective, a friend who is not afraid to speak the truth, an insight into how others think, an opportunity for us to grow…and of course, we shouldn’t take every criticism at its face value. Everyone has his or her bias and preference and there is no way we can meet everyone’s expectations. So, take it easy.
Thanks, Chloe! I like your advice to “take it easy” — I know I need that! I also completely understand that loss in “sense of self”. Quite recently, an offhand critical comment had me spiraling into a series of unhelpful self-critical thoughts. Later, when I realized my inner shaming thoughts had silenced me (even in normal conversation), I decided to try to do the opposite: to speak up. I forced myself to make conversation with the person who made the critical comment, and in our exchange, I realized that my spiraling thoughts had me spinning a false story around that one criticism. In this case, I had to seek out the truth to get my reality check, which had to do with understanding the critical comment as it was intended, instead of blowing it out of proportion. Crazy how our minds can spin false stories so quickly!
It depends on how and in what context criticism is directed at me. Considering that I have my flaws, and that I do have my blind spots, I believe I tend to digest better when it is directly addressed rather than a round about way. I also discern whether it has valid points or not. In other words, often people tend to project their own dark sides onto others. Upon soul searching when the criticism directed at me has to do with the critique’s own baggage, then I am able to dismiss it.
Thanks for your insights, Young! There’s a book that you’ve recommended before regarding “dark sides” of leaders… can you remind me of the title and author again? I’m sure it would help me to discern whether/how to receive the criticism or not.
Overcoming Darksides of Leadership is the title, and the authors’ last names are Macintosh and Rima.
Sleepless night as my daughter is moving away to Indiana early on Wed morning. As time nears, it is harder than I imagined.
Joy, great question. I agree with the other sisters responses. Great replies. I would say that what has helped me is to see feedback both positive and negative criticism as friends who could help me grow. I agree that I will NOT take them at face value, but will sit with God and close friends to discuss these if it is NOT obvious to me. Because sometimes, feedback is not about me, but more about the other person’s issues.
a) The best way to make feedback our friend is to regularly receive feedback from those who know or work with us well. In our organization, we do verbal feedback or input on every event or such, and we also have 360 review every other year to really help each of of us to grow as Campus ministers.
b) The other way that I have embraced feedback is to grow in being loved and accepted by God and my community. That way, I can be secure and NOT defensive when receiving feedback. As Henry Cloud or John Townsend would say in How People Grow: Those who are loved well can received hard truths, because they know they are deeply loved by God and others. The more, I seek out loving communities that speak truth to me, the more I will get used to feedback and even harsh criticism. My God and friends keep it real for me.
c) As Asian Americans, we so value what others think, so I must also grow in my inner soul or being that I will know that I am loved NOT because of what I do, NOT because of who likes me or NOT because of what I have….paraphrasing Henri Nouwen’s books; In the Name of Jesus, and The Life of the Beloved.
These books, truthful honest community, or at times counseling, and prayer healing will also help some of us who CARE too much what others think as part of our AA community DNA. I have gotten help from all of these above.
d) Finally, when the criticism is right, make sure you apologize or confess. Seek forgiveness if you need to. However, a word to AA’s, do not apologize for what is NOT yours to own. Remember, point c above. Own what is yours and let others own their shortcomings or sins.
Peace to all of you!
Margaret Yu
This is so incredibly comprehensive, Margaret — thank you so much. I do tend to care too much about what other people think. I’ve been learning how to grow in my inner being/soul lately, and it’s helped so much — even in discerning what I think apart from what those around me think.
Thanks also for the book titles! I’ll be sure to put them on my reading list:)
Margaret, THANK YOU for “d,” particularly the caveat!! We Asn Am women especially need to hear that, I feel. 🙂
Leading with a Limp by Dan B. Allender is a book I would recommend. His personal stories in dealing with criticism and self-acceptance in leadership is very encouraging.
I will definitely check it out. Thanks so much for the recommendation, Kate!!=)
I would like to say I am unaffected by criticism, but that would be a complete lie. In the past, especially during college, I would lie awake many nights and focus on the criticism I had heard or imagined. Throughout the years, I have learned to take it to the cross and take a sobering look at myself.
I usually assume maybe the critics were right or noticed an area I can work on, then I struggle. I wrestle before the Christ’s bloodstained mirror. I ask myself and God, “Is this true?” Sometimes the answer is a comforting, “No”, and other times it has been “Yes”.
Regardless of the answer, I realize again how broken and imperfect I am and rejoice in the fact of His unconditional love. I say to myself, “I am imperfect, I am wrong and I need to own up to my faults. Thank God, this life is a sanctification process. Thank God, His love isn’t based on me or my performance.”
It would be a lie to say I do not struggle over this anymore, but each time the wrestling match has become easier, shorter and the reflection in the Christ’s blood stained mirror a bit clearer.
Very interesting — I’ve never thought to bring the criticism to God to test whether it is indeed true or not! More and more, I’m realizing that I need to have a healthy boundary when it comes to what comments I take in. Also, from your response (as well as others), I’m seeing a theme of admitting to one’s imperfection and brokenness. I think I’m going to have to meditate and reflect on this more, because the orientation of my personality (and perhaps our culture?) has always been to put forth an image or performance of perfection (and gain validation from that). But if I really grasped the reality of my imperfection, flaws, and brokenness, then I wonder if criticism wouldn’t be so debilitating — because it would only be a reminder of what I already know.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience and wisdom, Christy! Definitely food for thought=)
I enjoyed reading everyone’s replies especially because I’ve struggled with this for most of my life too, Joy! Chloe’s, in particular, struck a chord and reminded me of a foundational difference btwn East Asian and U.S. life perspectives: in the U.S., we focus on natural talent/ability, and East Asian philosophy tends to highlight effort (thus, the Tiger Mom syndrome…which isn’t all that bad!). In the U.S., if you’re bad at math, it’s because you just weren’t born with the “gift” of numbers. For lots of Asians, being bad at math isn’t something to worry about because we assume, if you keep working at it, you’ll eventually become an expert; it doesn’t matter who!
While I see merit in the “nature” aspects, I prefer hanging in “nuture” spaces because it helps me realize that mistakes (and criticism of mistakes) are better seen as opportunities to improve than as attacks against my personhood (i.e., what Chloe mentioned).
One important note: I also think I receive criticism better from someone I trust to be wise and godly (vs. flighty or opportunistic).
Debbie, thanks for highlighting that difference between East Asian & US perspectives! It actually brings to mind another tendency I have: to feel compelled to “do something about it” when I receive any sort of criticism or suggestion for improvement. As you can imagine, this gets tiring, and puts me at the mercy of the whims and random notions of anybody and everybody. It’s easy for me to lose sight of the fact that I’m in my position of influence to please God, and not everyone around me.
I do wonder if this has something to do with the East Asian mentality of “you can do anything or become anything if you work hard enough” — so that any shortcomings are translated into the idea that either you haven’t worked hard enough, or that you have to work harder in the future to cover over your limitations, to make yourself more perfect, to be more effective, etc. I certainly don’t see anything wrong with improving oneself, but sometimes I wonder if there needs to be a point where I just shrug my shoulders and say to myself and others, “It is what it is. I am a limited human being and this is all I have right now. Not only that, but I’m not going to put effort into making myself ‘better’ in the way that you want me to be better.” Even as I write this statement, I’m thinking to myself, “Can I really get to the place where I can say this to myself and others??” But for the sake of my own sanity, I REALLY hope I can!
Thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies for Joy and all of us. I know WE can for our sanity because we worship and serve a loving, gracious God. I know in our DNA as Christians, we have a great helper in the Holy Spirit to measure, mediate and guide our responses to criticism. To be able to say “it is what it is” and be at peace in the moment to rest and trust the next steps to be God’s best for us. Our lives cushioned, enveloped in God’s care helps to determine what we want to accept in criticism, but also to know how to change the criticism to an assessment that we can process and move forward within our faith communities for betterment if God wills, or to rest in God’s approval/desires for us and live in the moment.
Amen, sister!=)