Photo by Cyril-Rana!!
After graduating and entering my first years as Cru (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) staff, I found myself sharing with the men on my staff team that I had a “conviction” about women not initiating and therefore would never call them on the phone and would only return calls – even ministry-related business calls. My thoughts at that point centered on the idea of needing to turn down and even turn off, at times, my gifts of leadership in order to not threaten any potential male from taking their rightful place of leading.
I gravitated towards and found security in a high structure-and rules-oriented Christianity. I developed a mentality that Christianity could only be expressed in a certain cookie-cutter way and if others did not fit my black-and-white viewpoint, they were wrong. This time my posture was one of inferiority as a woman and conforming to a certain Christian culture which also fit my Asian cultural grid of the value of men over women. And honestly, as I looked around, just like I couldn’t find Asian Barbies, I couldn’t find Asian American Christian women in leadership to model after. I scanned the bookshelves in Christian bookstores and looked through conference brochures, but didn’t find anyone who looked like me. Underlying this was a desire to fit in and be defined not by who I was, but by high structure which provided for me a false sense of security.
I met and married Darrin when I was 25 and brought into our marriage the same rigid view of Christianity into our marriage relationship. I had difficulty representing myself and giving him feedback. I had mistakenly played the “submission/respect card” and understood it to mean that if I respected him, I would not question his ideas or thoughts. Instead of being a true helpmate, I sought to manipulate and control his emotions by heading off any potential conflict by not speaking up about my concerns and perspective. He would comment that when he came home, I would emotionally shut down and no longer give input or direction and would take on the “cruise director” role of making everyone happy. I still struggle with this dynamic. I also somehow came to believe in order for my husband to lead us spiritually, he had to be better and stronger than me in all areas. In no way did he share this view; in fact, he was often bewildered I actually thought these things. I felt frustrated and dead inside. My posture was one of passivity and confusion.
As I entered my mid to late 30’s, I was exposed to a wider pool of believers and life no longer fit my previously held cookie-cutter paradigm. I met godly women who were walking through divorce, recovering from addiction, had teenagers who turned away from the Lord, were dealing with depression, were the breadwinners for the family, to name a few. My picture of what it looked like to be a woman following God fully began to expand. I found myself evaluating my views on various issues. Rather than adopting a stance based on a subculture, I decided to investigate for myself to seek to understand why God created women and how culture fit into what I saw in the Word. I started reading books and articles written by people outside my paradigm and joined a 12 step group. And each step of the way, the Lord brought along people to encourage me in the journey.
I was introduced to the books written by Carolyn Custis James as I entered my forties. The portrait of women she presented was liberating and resonated deeply within me. For the first time, I was encouraged to not shrink back from who God created me to be – especially in the area of leadership. But what stood out was the high view of men she presented, and the importance of a posture of respect and honor given to men. Rather than compete or disappear, I moved toward linking arms with men. God was best represented when both men and women worked together for the furthering of His Kingdom. I began to experience a new level of freedom that opened the door to taking on new ministry responsibilities as well apply for seminary.
As a mom of two sons and a daughter, my values and views shape my hopes of who I want them to become. Darkness and injustice fills our broken world. I want my sons to lead out into the darkness with strength, integrity and humility. I want them to welcome and respect the input and viewpoint of women. I want my daughter to not hold back who God has made her in all her gifting. I want her to bring her voice and strength with humility and conviction. I believe it takes a secure man not to be threatened by the strength of a woman. I also believe it takes a secure woman to not always have to be in control.
I believe our picture of God is made fuller when we include the voice and viewpoint of both women and men. In the same way, our understanding of who God is deepens through racial diversity and racial reconciliation. Our cultural differences offer a broader, richer view of the infinite and creative God we serve.
I am still on a journey discovering who God is and who and how He has created me, but now I am more aware of how my worlds influence who I am and how I lead. In God’s economy, nothing is wasted. I continue to read, study and dialogue with men and women over the issues of leadership, culture, and Scripture. I am grateful to look back and see areas of growth in my life. I am grateful for my husband, and other good men like him, who have sought to hear my voice. I am grateful for God’s commitment to walk with me as I sift through life, culture, the Scriptures and the way I view who He is and how to live to honor Him.
Vivian Mabuni and her husband Darrin have been on staff with Cru (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) for 24 years, and they currently work with Epic Movement, the Asian American ministry of Cru. Vivian is a mom of three kids and a cancer survivor. Her first book, “Warrior in Pink: A Story of Cancer, Community and the God Who Comforts” (Discovery House Publishers) will be available in bookstores April 2014. You can connect with Vivian on twitter @vivmabuni, facebook, or her website: www.vivianmabuni.com
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Thank you for sharing your journey of trying to navigate the different cultural meta-narratives on gender roles and women. It can definitely be tough. I’ve met other Asian American women who also felt a deep affinity to the “cookie cutter” paradigm of women needing to be unquestioningly supportive of men and inferior. Your statement really struck me: “I also somehow came to believe in order for my husband to lead us spiritually, he had to be better and stronger than me in all areas.”
Thankfully I was only exposed to this kind of thinking on occasion, especially amongst Californian Asian Americans. My church in Seattle is a bit different, and I had many women to look up to as strong role models. My church is Japanese/Japanese American and many of the older couples were striking examples of upright husbands, who led without being oppressive, lording things over their wives, and wives who were accomplished, spiritually mature and partners of their husbands. Women in my church lead through organizing prayer retreats, and a few women are the strongest, most visible community activists, living their lives in services to others.
I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on racial reconciliation within the church.
What a blessing for you to be in an environment full of strong, godly role models. Our church in CA sounds similar to yours. It’s 90% Asian-American and women are encouraged to live out and lead in various capacities. It was exposure to these women who didn’t necessarily fit “cookie cutter” which started expanding my view of women. That, and having a daughter also contributed to me taking time to explore and process the stuff I wrote about. As for racial reconciliation in the church. whoa. big, big topic. Anything specific you are wondering?