Photo by rima xaros

By Joy Wong

I’ve never considered myself much of a worrier.  I always thought that between my husband and me, he’s the worrier for sure. But lately, I’ve been experiencing a lot more anxiety, and after some reflection, I’m starting to realize why.

In the past, I could always carve out the time to fully prepare (and often, over-prepare) for anything coming my way. If I had a speaking engagement, I would do thorough research, manuscript my talk, prepare an outline and powerpoint slides, and rehearse what I was going to say.  If I had an upcoming exam, I’d plan out a study schedule, thoroughly cover all topics, and spend endless hours going over practice questions. If I had a major life event coming up — like with my first pregnancy — I would read as much as possible, take all the courses available, and do all sorts of preparation to plan for all circumstances that may come up. I had plan A, plan B, plan C…  everything was covered.

But now that I’m a mom, I have a hard time finding time to be fully prepared for anything.  Often, I have to get by with “just enough.” But I’m finding that the more room I’ve left to non-preparedness, the more room I’ve given over to anxiety. I’m realizing that in my past, it’s not that I didn’t have anxiety; rather, I was able to ward it off with preparedness.

However, I’ve been more and more convicted that it doesn’t have to be one or the other — either preparedness or anxiety. Rather, there’s a space between the two — a middle ground — that leaves room for trust and faith in the Holy Spirit to move and work.  Granted, for me it’s an uncomfortable space.  But I sense an invitation from God to enter and stay in this space, and to watch God work in spite of my inability to cover all my bases.

At the time that I’m writing this blog, I’m fast approaching the due date of my second child. (God-willing, my son will have entered this world safe and sound by now!) There are so many things that I have felt anxious about — things that I cannot fully prepare for, either because it’s completely out of my control, or because I simply don’t have the time or energy to plan for every contingency. I’m just “winging it” (and I generally hate “winging it” — it makes me nervous). But I’ve found freedom in the truth that not all that is to happen in the future depends wholly upon me; that God is at work in ways seen and unseen.  I may not have been able to see that before, but I’m being challenged to see it now.