Photo by Elsie Hui

By Wendy Choy-Chan

I had always felt inclined to attend social gatherings — potluck dinners, outings, movies, even activities I didn’t really enjoy but where I could just hang out with friends. However, almost every time, especially when it involved a big group of people, I came home exhausted and disappointed. Exhausted because there were too many people, too much action, too many conversations. Disappointed because I didn’t seem to make any meaningful connections with anyone, except for some chit chat. I regretted making myself go, but a few days later, I longed for the next gathering again.

Then, my friend enlightened me as to the reason for my contradictory feelings. She introduced me to the term “highly sensitive introvert.” Adding that to my pleaser, approval-seeking personality, the resulting concoction drives me to affirm my selfhood at every opportunity (ie. to attend gatherings), while also pulling me away from the scene each time (ie. losing myself in a sea of stimuli). I longed to belong, but I ended up belonging to others, becoming a “wendy” that they wanted me to be. And when I couldn’t engage, I felt dejected because I had failed myself and others. The final verdict — I did not belong.

It took me a long time (and I’m still in progress) to learn to live my life and be me. Like David, who took off Saul’s armor so that he could be himself and fight Goliath, I too am taking off armor handed to me by others so that I can become the me that God has ordained me to be. Like David, who spent his time playing his lyre and bonded a special friendship with Jonathan, I too am learning to listen attentively to my heart, seeking out more intimate friendships in which I can forge deeper connections. This brings me to my bosom friend, who has gone through thick and thin with me for almost 30 years. Even though we live on opposite ends of the continent, we make the effort to get together for “virtual tea time” over the phone, with tea and a scone on our tables at each end of the line.

Not only do I feel a sense of belonging in this soulful friendship of two with my bosom friend, I also see the Spirit of God among us, forming a circle of three. She always has insights from God, encouraging, affirming, and at times rebuking me. God uses her to help me navigate and disentangle the many knots in my heart. And when both of us are lost or disheartened, together we seek the face of God and search for His guidance in the midst of our darkness, knowing that none of us — God, she nor I — will let go of each others’ hands. We have our light-hearted moments too, dreaming of the day when we will open our little tea shop & book store, where we will have real tea time together, with tea and scones on the same table. Of course, we might need to include coffee and donuts on our menu, and decorate the shop with Gundam models, so that our husbands will approve of our little venture=)

While this friendship is all I need to fulfill my longing to belong, it does not prevent me from reaching out. My time with my bosom friend gives me the strength and capacity to welcome others into my circle of belonging. When I am in other gatherings now, I don’t place expectations on myself or others, and I don’t mind the chit chat, for I know that I can find deep intimate connections in my circle of three in a friendship of two with my bosom friend… and yes, with tea and scones too!

Wendy Choy-Chan came to North America from Hong Kong when she was 15.  After graduating with a MScE, she worked as a telecommunications engineer for a few years before becoming a full-time mom.  She earned her MA in Theology at Fuller Theological Seminary in 2016, with an emphasis in biblical studies. Despite living in the coffee capital (Seattle), Wendy enjoys scouting out tea shops with her husband and two daughters.