Photo by Toshimasa Ishibashi

I’m living my life
as it is
in this moment
as best I can
So help me God

but I can’t help
constantly imagining
(parallel processing?)
Other lives
Slightly better lives
Alternate future lives
‘If we had only’ lives
That could’ve been

That could be
Instead

I often imagine
What it would have been like
What it would be like
If we had bought a house earlier
If we had stayed in contract
If they hadn’t issued me that letter

What will it be like
To have a job again
To own a home
As we raise three littles?

My brain is always somewhere else
Imagining something better
Implicitly discontent with the present
Without meaning judgment
Not intending to compare
Not unhappy
Not discontent
It’s just the way my mind works

Instead of living my actual life
In the moment
The good and the bad

Here I sit.
In a darkened room
Letting the baby
Rest on my chest

It’s the middle of the night
Her breath
Wafts upward
The fragrance of
Mother’s milk

Tomorrow the electrician
Will come and fix
The breakers
Of this rental

Tomorrow I’ll talk to
A listening friend
Our realtor
Another parent
of three

Tomorrow I’ll listen again
For what my assignment is
For that day
And I will follow

Tomorrow I’ll hug the children
Kiss the husband
Unload the dishwasher
Prepare lunch

We’ll both take a nap
Eat well
Keep each other company

Smile
Laugh
And see friends

Have mercy on me
Dear Lord
As I imagine something
Requiring
Courage
Wisdom
Discipline

Help me God
As I live
This actual life
You have given to me
And as we unfold together
what you have
Written down
Folded up

Walk with me
Step by step
Patiently
Making the fantastical
Real, embodied…
The imaginary
Feasible, edible.

They’re not flights of fancy
This is not unfaithful folly

You who created me
And called me good
And crafted me for a purpose
You give me visions and imagination
To get me from here to there

Thank you
I trust you
And
I am not afraid

Here I am
I am yours

Tina Teng-Henson has been blessed to learn + grow alongside so many different people, in so many places: Long Island, NY — Harvard College + the South End of Boston — Nairobi, Kenya and Lanzhou, China. Tina, her husband, and their three children live in northern California.