Photo by netzanette

By Liz Chang

My cat Benny likes to wake me up in the early hours of the morning by biting me or wailing meows like he hasn’t eaten in days. Sometimes, my mom tries to get a hold of me by calling ten times in a row, assuming that I might be able to pick up if she calls enough times within a 30-minute window. When arriving home after a long day from work, I have tripped over my husband’s shoes in the entry hallway. And, when doing laundry, I have forgotten to remove items that would shrink if thrown in the dryer machine.

Depending on my mood, these situations can bring out a variety of reactions from me. There have been times when I’ve shut Benny out of the bedroom, turned off my phone in case an eleventh call comes in, thrown my husband’s shoes in the closet, and sighed disappointment at myself for shrinking a favorite sweater. There have also been times when I’ve gotten right out of bed to feed Benny at 4:30am, called my mother back, gently set my husband’s shoes on the shoe rack, and shrugged off a laundry mishap. And, more than the action itself, it is the spirit with which it is done that makes all the difference.

It’s harder to have a good temper when I’m tired, hungry, stressed, or irritable in general. And yet, to be able to have and express patience, mercy, grace, kindness and self-control usually results in a far less draining or resentful experience. Because then, the situation is no longer about me needing to win or about me getting my way. It’s about the relationship winning.

I think one of the toughest tests for maintaining a good temper is when we perceive a threat to our well-being. When I’m tired and waking up to being bitten by my cat (insert phrase for those with babies and young children), when I’m anticipating an emotionally draining phone call, when I am again tripped by shoes walking in the door, and when I lose my favorite sweater to the dryer… I perceive a threat, regardless of whether or not there actually is one. I know these examples are very mild, but I’m sure you can think of more serious situations that apply.

Good temper is the kind of temper that when faced with a perception of threat, is able to measure the reality of the threat (or non-threat) and act accordingly. Can I perceive the needs of those I’m in relationship with? Can I perceive and understand in a way that can extend grace towards them? Can I be more relationally-minded? I think that’s what helps keep me from shifting into a bad temper.

I also want to be clear that perceiving others’ needs and extending grace is not the same as taking a passive or inactive approach when there is injustice and a need for advocacy. There is value to having boundaries, asserting them, and speaking out disruptive truth. And, I believe a little temper with our charisma and calmness can be godly. There has to be room in one’s temper to speak out truth, fight for what’s right, and challenge others to grow. Out of anger, we can channel the energy to take action that creates change. Out of pain, we can cry out to God who hears us and lean on our community.

At the core of temperament, is our call to love deeply. As we grow in love, the Holy Spirit graciously works in us and through us, regardless of our temperament tendencies. God’s temper is holy, and it is in God that we live and move and breathe.

May the Spirit of the Lord be with you in whatever challenges come your way.

Liz Chang is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and works with individuals, couples and families at a group private practice in Manhattan (Holding Hope Marriage and Family Therapy, https://www.nyc-couples-therapy.com/). Liz has enjoyed experiencing life in the midwest and the pacific northwest during her young adulthood. She studied Marriage and Family Therapy at Seattle Pacific University and misses Seattle’s beautiful summer months. Liz is a Korean-American born and raised in New York City where she and her husband now reside. They enjoy going for walks, exploring new neighborhoods, cooking, traveling, playing spikeball, and watching their cats be cute (Instagram @bennyslyf).