By Lauri Heikkinen

I wrote the bulk of this piece on April 14th, almost 2 months before both the violence and the peaceful protesting that have recently arisen on account of George Floyd’s brutal death. At the time, I didn’t think I’d have much to say about violence; we were all just trying to cope with Sheltering in Place on account of the Coronavirus.

Nobody knew we’d have another major nation-wide disruption that would provoke so much societal self-reflection and corporate repentance in the form of looting, rioting, and then all these gentle, peaceful actions in response.

In any case, when given this topic, I drew upon the closest thing I could relate to — the topic of potential violence against oneself, on account of post-partum depression. (My mom-friends and I often say that we think almost all women we know have gone thru post-partum depression to some extent. We think maybe one of our friends skirted it entirely, and mostly by having an incredible exercise routine!) 

I offer the piece up with humility, knowing there is so much more that could have been written in light of recent events. But as I write this prefatory note, the day after my 38th birthday, I think the overall message of it still stands. Life is precious. Even when marauders come to take it away — or I myself think to let go of it because it’s become unbearable, I am grateful for God’s sustaining life-force within me, refusing to let go of me. Refusing to let me sink deeper into despair. Beckoning me back to himself, and to the gorgeous world he created for all of us to inhabit with joy.

—

It has all been worth it
A life lived
in response
To God’s love, grace, and truth
A life poured out

Harvard undergrads were
My first “children”
Long before I married John
Long before I birthed 3 children
Of our own

I told them tonight (HRCF 08 exec)
On a Zoom catch-up that
after each birth
I didn’t do so well,
post-partum

So low, depleted, worn down
I thought often of death.
It was all just too much.
There was never a plan
(thank you, Lord)

But bravely telling them this,
As the summation of the past
7 years of life…
(they are brilliant, accomplished,
Incredibly hard-working individuals),
I could tell

It seemed strangely nourishing to them
to hear that life sometimes bears
So much joy
But so much grief
So much loss
It can just be unbearable.

I am so grateful
I am alive today.
I turned 38 yesterday
And life has gotten better and better
On the whole.
Really. Truly.

I have come to terms
With my life
As it is

But the struggle is real
Daily
Hourly
Sometimes
To believe and not give up
To press on and not despair
To embrace the goodness of the moment
The sweetness of my children
The kindness of my spouse

In our COVID-19 world
Any of us could die
sooner than expected
Unlikely but true
But if we stay sheltering in place
Indefinitely
Some of us just might shrivel up and die
From that alone! 🙂

I have to recount,
As a process of inviting God’s healing,
The things that I have lived

My life has held
Heartbreak (the 3rd job transition)
Disillusionment (the church plant)
Premature departure (the 2nd call)

But I have also chosen
Forgiveness (by phone)
Mutual understanding (over dinner)
Second seasons and second chances.

I believe in Jesus
I believe he is the son of God
I believe he died and rose again
I believe he paid for us all

And I believe that he’s here now
Standing in our midst
Here with the power to heal now
And the grace to forgive

At the end of my life,
whenever that day comes
I will have so much
to thank you for, Lord

Countless people who have touched my life
Countless people whom I have touched
It will all have been worth it
It has all been worth it

Tina Teng-Henson and her family live in Santa Clara, California. She is presently serving as an interim co-pastor at Orchard Valley Christian Church (orchardvalley.org). She enjoys volleyball, independent film, and being in nature.