By Wendy Choy-Chan

I have had someone claiming they wanted to “speak the truth in love” to me. Yet, their “truth” was some rules that they demanded me to follow, and their “love” was conditioned on me submitting to them and their rules. I experienced no truth or love from them. 

Too often, we take the phrase “speaking the truth in love” (Eph 4:15) to mean our truth and our love — I have to speak my truth to you because I cannot give you my love unless you agree with my truth. However, if only we continue onto the rest of the verse: “… speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head, that is, Christ.” This truth and this love are in Christ — Christ is the truth, Christ is love. We have too often received the truth and love from Christ but then privatized them to be our own, setting aside the living Christ who is living in us (Gal 2:2) when we speak to others. Instead of living out Christ to others, we kidnap the words of Christ to become rules we impose on others. Instead of letting the love of Christ spread through us, we dispense limited and conditional tokens of worldly affection to others. Truth and love are being divorced from the person of Christ to become our belongings under our control. Sadly, that was what I experienced…

I have also had someone who “spoke the truth in love” to me, without stating so, but I felt their truth and love in Christ. Their truth was not something I totally agreed with, but they did not insist on me to adhere to it either. They simply desired to share with me what was in their hearts and for me to listen to them. They graciously offered me their love without any condition, knowing we were not having a debate of their truth vs. my truth, but a sharing between their hearts and my heart. The conversation was Christ-centered, as we listen to each other and seek Christ and his truth together, experiencing the love of Christ in our conversation and fellowship.

Speaking the truth in love — the truth and love being the person of Christ living in us. May we not put a stamp of “our truth” and “our love” on our speech, as if this would make a polite and respectful conversation. Let us include Christ, letting Christ live in us to speak the truth in love, so that we are not participating in a truth-vs-truth (me vs you) conversation but a genuine Heart-to-heart-to-heart (Christ-me-you) fellowship. 

Wendy Choy-Chan came to North America from Hong Kong when she was 15. After graduating with a MScE, she worked as a telecommunications engineer for a few years before becoming a full-time mom. She earned her MA in Theology at Fuller Theological Seminary in 2016, and is now pursuing a D.Min in Affective Spirituality and Christian Formation at Multonmah Biblical Seminary. Wendy lives in Seattle, WA with her husband and two daughters.