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Is that how you become a pastor?
Your pastor calls you up and
asks for your take on being called
the outreach pastor,
not just the outreach director.
“Well, because you’re not just a lay person, Tina… you’re on the road to becoming a pastor…”
“But I’m not done with seminary yet…”
Deciding on a short phone call…
to take on a title I am working towards,
but never really wanted?
“Never thought I’d be a US pastor…”
Never thought I’d be a pastor, period!
Is that how I became a pastor?
Why does this change things?
If this didn’t have to change things,
then why did it get so awkward all of a sudden?
Why did I freak out last week?
I’ll call myself the pastoral intern as long as I can
Nicely nebulous
Lots of people have interns
Lots of places have interns
I’m just the intern
“But I’m too _______ to be a pastor”
Runs through my head
…female…emotional…uncertain…young…
Since when did I get like this?
Did I say yes too hastily?
Did I move too fast?
Well, yes, and God’s gonna hafta work it out…
God, I’m sorry for making messes for you to bail me out of…
[I know you don’t mind, but still…]
I AM excited about the job,
Yes, I do want it…
I’m just trying to figure out how to make the rest of my life work…(?!)
(and how to not feel anxious, nervous, or scared)
Now that I’ve said yes!
Since I still have about 2 years left in seminary…
And You gave the go-ahead to start trying for kids…
Is this crazy?
Is this not a good idea?
O Lord.
About a month ago, one of the staff at our church plant announced that he’d be leaving at the end of the year, so funds became available… for the lead pastor to ask me if I wanted to be hired to work at the church part-time! (I had been interning there since the early spring without pay for my Fuller ministry internship.)
After some wrestling and reflection, I said yes.
In so many senses, I felt real gratitude for being “invited in” and feeling “led” in the process. I didn’t have to ask or advocate for myself… and that felt like a gift. Even the job description felt tailored to the gifts I bring to our church plant. Having come out of InterVarsity, I felt incredulous that I’d now be paid money I didn’t have to fundraise! I mostly spent my reflection time thinking about how I’d steward, save, and give the money I earned to support others in their ministries (who’d recently come asking).
But for whatever reason (and perhaps for all the reasons that you might intuit from the above), after the announcement had been made before the church, when it came time to sign the paperwork, I felt overwhelmed with what I’d agreed to do. I realized I hadn’t thought through the entirety of what consequences this would have on the rest of my life. I discovered my husband and I hadn’t talked this decision through thoroughly, what with the recent houseguests we’d hosted and a weekend trip out of town to visit his relatives. As I sat there processing with the pastor, I realized I felt stressed about my schoolwork, scared I’d never finish my seminary program, worried about what would happen if we did get pregnant, and painfully aware that I should probably have figured some of this out… before showing up to sign the paperwork!
This reflection feels vulnerable to post out there, as I feel keenly aware of my inner anxiety showing in each line of the poem and – as an Asian-American woman with the usual expectations — some shame or embarrassment for not having figured this all out on my own already. I wish I had more companions who were doing the same thing I am… to see in person and pray with…on this unique journey of seminary, church work, and potential parenting. <Any of you out there living in the Bay Area?>
A few days later, I simply feel aware of the inherent complexity and uncertainty related to all these different strands coming together. I know I’ve been called to God’s service and I’m most fulfilled when able to lead out in outreach – but I have a lot left in my MDiv training. I would love to have this season done with, as I know pregnancy and parenting don’t mix all that well with such an already-full life…but I’m not yet.
So I guess, in contrast to some of the usual posts here, I’d really love it if some of you would pray for me. And send along any wisdom. And speak God’s encouragement into my life.
Thank you. May the Lord be near you today, in the stage of this journey you are on…
Tina Teng-Henson has been blessed to learn + grow alongside so many different people, in so many places: Long Island, NY — Harvard College + the South End of Boston — Nairobi, Kenya and Lanzhou, China. She is presently enjoying her studies at Fuller‘s Northern California campus and her internship at Recreate Church in San Jose.
aawolsisters.com 
How incredibly GOOD GOD IS! Tina, I’m rejoicing with you and so thrilled you said YES! It’s the right thing, and not just because it’s an election year. I’ve followed your jouney with excitement from Gordon-Conwell to Kenya to your wedding to your new home, studies and internship in California. How appropriate it is that you should be called a pastor after all the shepherding you’ve done at Harvard with InterVarsity and now at your current church. PRAISE GOD! from whom all good gifts come!
THANK you, Grace… it’s really good to hear you say that :)! I never thought I’d react/respond after making the decision the way I did; I wonder whether the experience was somewhat like a “growing pain.” The growth is good + even necessary, but it is accompanied by transitional discomfort + uncertainty… * It felt vulnerable but good to write about this for the AAWOL community. We’re on this journey together!
You’re not alone. I resonated with many of your thoughts. The fears. The angst. The weight. And every once in a while I have a mini-crisis-of-faith moment questioning every decision I’ve made (then I remember I’m not God and I’m good to go 🙂 ). It sounds like your church is in good hands, and have in place the right people to lead it. Way to go, pastor!
Ohh, thanks, Diana! Appreciate hearing that… I also have those bouts of questioning decisions already made, the “What ifs,” and imagining alternate trajectories… I think writing all this out significantly helped me acknowledge what I was going through internally, and come out feeling a lot better about it all… 🙂
Tina, I dont’ know you, but thank you for being so vulnerable with us and letting us into your heart and process.
You wrote: …as I feel keenly aware of my inner anxiety showing in each line of the poem and – as an Asian-American woman with the usual expectations — some shame or embarrassment for not having figured this all out on my own already.
I want to say that please know that there is NO shame and embarrassment in not having figured this all out yet or even on your own. In fact, your blog post is a good reminder to us to NOT do so much on our own…As a body of Christ, we follow God in our individual journeys with him; however, we also benefit from the care and the richness of the wisdom of the family or kingdom of God. I can recall so many decisions in my life where I tried to hunker down and figure it out only to have the Lord tell me that I need to submit to those who know, love and will speak truth into me. I find the Lord telling me that I am to share and enter into other brother and sisters’ journey as I am to offer my heart to them as well. So, THANK YOU for modelling to us the importance of entering in and that the way of the Cross is sharing and caring for one another’s stories. I so value your heart and your angst. I so value your honesty & vulnerable. To me and to God, it is a confirmation of your service, character and leadership.
Also, I want to affirm that one of the challenges of women is the whole reality of having children and how that can impact our decisions in life and ministry. I think it is so key that you are aware of the responsibility of being a good parent and balancing the ministry with personal family life. However, I want to encourage you to continue to pursue the things of God that he has impressed upon your heart. Of course, it is important to follow on your calling as a mom, but don’t lose yourself in the midst of your many roles (wife, daughter, mom, student, etc). God has given you an identity beyond just one role as a future And above all else, you are beyond the roles that you play! Your soul and heart in Christ is your true identity. Roles may come and go and change, but who you are in Christ and your love relationship with him is your true north or anchor.
I live in So Cal. I only wish I can meet you. You are an awesome leader so far as I can tell. Praying for you…Your church is blessed to have you as their pastor of outreach. Go God! Go Tina! Much love!
wow, THANKS, Margaret! I hadn’t heard that in a while, but it’s so true: “[my] soul and heart in Christ is [my] true identity.” Regardless of which church I serve at – whether I finish my degree – even if my beloved family members were ever taken from me… THANK YOU. If ever you’re up here, do let me take you to coffee!!
Tina, Thank you so much for sharing your journey and for your vulnerability! I echo the others sentiments, you are blessed and because of what you said about God’s intervention and care in your life I am blessed by your thoughts. Know that it is because of God that you are who you are and who you will be in His timing.
I praise God for you that it is by His provisional allowance and orchestration you are an awesome leader now and who you will continue to be. I’m so encouraged that your pastor and church recognized your capacity and capability to serve and you have a paid position! That indeed is a blessing from God to have a great community.
Please also don’t fear the seasons of life as a woman…let God work in His timing. It is also wonderful that your hubby and you try to work to entrust God’s direction in your marriage too.
As a side note, from a “mom in ministry”, I think being one has made me a better minister. Though when that journey began, I thought becoming a mom was definitely in my view bad timing, but I was definitely wrong. I have learned so much about God’s grace in a much different and new way. Would love to share if you’d like to hear. I hope you meet and find the awesome “married, single, moms who are women in ministry” in the Bay Area. If you need referrals, I can network you. But if you are ever in SoCal, coffee is on me.
Thanks for writing, Melanie, and for your encouragement! It reminded me of how someone once said to me — that she was a better minister because she was a mother, and a better mother because she was a minister. Sounds like that’s been true for you. And as you wrote that you’d “learned so much about God’s grace in a much different and new way. Would love to share if you’d like to hear.” — I would totally LOVE to hear!! Maybe for your next post on AAWOL? 😀 And if you have any referrals to NorCal married moms who are in ministry/seminary, please do send them over. (tina@recreatechurch.com)
Seriously, everyone, I have really felt buoyed by the Lord through all your support and comments. And I am pressing in more intentionally to remember his promises + experience his strengthening in this time… THANK YOU ALL.